A few more reasons I'll never be famous

I can't fit my fist in my mouth, I can't open jars with my feet, I think I forgot the quadratic equation, I produced an album for a Dallas band, I never learned to roll a joint which means I'll never roll the world's greatest joint, my last names is Holmes but my first name is not Sherlock or John, my obituary that I pre-wrote says I never accomplished anything of note and that even though I'm probably in Hell it's still a better place for me, and despite being incredibly dumb and cold-hearted I won't be the next president from Texas.