Top 10 reasons I'll never be famous

1. I won't take a bullet for someone famous.

2. I won't fire a bullet at someone famous.

3. I don't like having my photo taken.

4. I don't like the sound of my name.

5. I drink alcohol to excess.

6. When walking, I have to remind myself every five seconds to lift my head and see where I'm going. Famous people do that instinctually.

7. All the rumors and lies about me are true.

8. My sex tape is played in sex ed classes in our nation's public schools. Where's the scandal in a masterful textbook performance?

9. My ears are weird.

10. I'm not good at anything.