Let's play "Is It Cancer or What?"

The biopsy results are in. I hold here in my hand the official lab report on the tongue test. Unfortunately, I can tell by the feel of the envelope that my poor lonely little piece of tissue was not returned for reattachment, but the doctor told me that if I'm not satisfied with how my current tongue heals, I can get a baboon tongue transplant. So just in case, I've set up a baboon trap in my front yard, where I believe baboons have been visiting at night to throw their baboon eggs at my car and wrap the trees with baboon-manufactured toilet paper. I can't wait to cut the tongue out of one of those cocky motherfuckers. They'll think twice next time about burning a swastika in my lawn. I have as much a right to live in this country as a baboon. Sooooo... drum roll, please. Keep that drum roll going for a second. OK, stop the drum roll. I can't find a letter opener. I don't want to tear it open with my hands because someone may have licked the seal and I don't want their germy, dried-up saliva on my fingertips. Especially considering the unmentionable places I tend to touch with those fingertips. (Genitallllls.) So what I'm going to do now is go on to Amazon.com... mmm hmm, there. And search for "letter openers"... oh that one looks nice! Add that to my cart... checkout... overnight delivery's a little too expensive... ah, there we go. OK, so in 10-14 days I should have a letter opener, and once I read the safety warning and send off the warranty card, I'll be ready to open this letter containing life-or-death news. Your patience is appreciated.