Things that have happened in a year

1. I saw Stevie Wonder. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me.

2. I drank a swimming pool's worth of beer. Olympic-size.

3. I went to Europe, most likely for the CIA. I'm only guessing because in Amsterdam, a local "spy" tricked me into smoking something, and after I woke up, I was missing the kidney with the implanted chip. But who hasn't pissed blood upon returning from Amsterdam?

4. I began the weekly tradition of flipping a coin to see if I should quit my job "for the fuck of it."

5. I learned a few things about myself. But not too much. I like to keep things light.

6. I found out how long a year can feel. It can be like Groundhog Day. Why didn't I learn a goddamn foreign language and seduce Andie MacDowell (despite the fact that she's Andie MacDowell)?

7. Or does time fly by? Is there such a thing as a slow blur?

8. I drank a large hot tub's worth of whiskey and Jager.