All you need to know about getting a biopsy on your tongue

You go back to the operating room, and the doctor asks you how you're doing. You say that what's important is how he's doing. You glance to see if his hands are shaking.

He tells you the worst part is the shot to numb the tongue. Then he proves it. Your glad it didn't take too long, but then he sticks you again. Your eyes water a bit like the time you French kissed a piranha and drew back a bloody nub.

After a few minutes, the nurse asks if you're ok, and you say, "Yed" because the 's' sound is not in your repertoire at the moment. The doctor fishes a line through the area where he stuck you the second time and uses that to pull your tongue out and to the side. You wonder if you should be feeling that as much as you do, but you couldn't say anything if you want to.

You see the scalpel enter your mouth, and the next thing you know a little piece of your tongue is flopping around on the table like a fish. As you stare at it, it grows into a cherub and flies away, and you begin to wonder what drug you've been given.

Then the doctor sews you up, and the nurse asks you at least a dozen times if you're ok. You ask, "Why? Do die luck lack I'm about to pad out?"

You pay your bill, set up a post-op appointment and leave with your mouth full of bloody gauze. Every song you sing to on your car stereo sounds the same: "Mm mm mm mm mmmm, mm-mm mm" ("Caught Up in You" by .38 Special); "Mm mm mm-mm mm mm mm-mm ("Fuck You" by Dr. Dre); "Mmm mmm mmm mmm" ("MMM, MMM, MMM, MMM" by Crash Test Dummies).

You try to go to work, but your mouth keeps filling with saliva and blood, and you find it distracting to switch out gauze while doing your shitty job. Plus, the numbness is wearing off, and you're starting to feel like your tongue got caught in a pencil sharpener. And you can't take your drugs until you eat. So you go home and watch TV the rest of the day.

You assume the test results of your biopsy will be "Thanks for the new golf clubs, sucker."



Of course, this is all speculation. I don't know shit about shit.