Something weird is happening to me

I think I've been cursed.

Because I'm on the antibiotics, I haven't been drinking my RDA of alcohol (8-15 drinks in any combination). Plus, because of the stitches in my tongue, I'm prohibited from ordering a large pizza, rolling it up and swallowing it whole like a porn star. So I have to slurp smoothies and snort protein powder. And each morning this week, to fill the time I usually spend eating, I've either gone to the gym or hit the treadmill. Seems silly in retrospect.

I was told I would be OK during all of this. But what I've discovered is that I'm shrinking. Shrinking!!! All the growing I've done since this blog was called "Wrong Again, Zygote!" has reversed and the pounds are disappearing into an unknown place. Heaven? I don't know. Where will it end? Am I going to shrink into nothing?

For the first 18 or so years of my life, growing seemed to take care of itself. However, at some point I had to put more effort into it. I had to drink every day and spend my college loans on pizza buffets. After that, things seemed to be on autopilot again, but it had taken a change in lifestyle. I had to eat fast food at least six times a week and watch about seven hours of TV a day. But I was committed to self-improvement and maturation.

Now I'm freaking out. This weight regression is unnerving and frustrating. Have you ever spent a long time milking a reluctant cow, only to stand up afterward and accidentally kick over the full bucket? Of course you have. We all have. I feel like my cream-heavy milk mass is rushing from my body bucket.

There is no God.