Little-known B-movie actor and star of the screen classic Soylent Green died over the weekend. Charlton Heston, whose film work was so poorly received that he had to take a second job as head of the National Rifle Association, keeled over from brain confusion disease disorder (BCDD) more commonly known as "Going Off the Rails on a Crazy Brain."
To a younger generation, Heston was known as Prof. Walter Finley in the 2001 Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle, The Order, co-written by the multitalented Van Damme himself. But to hardcore movie buffs worldwide, Heston will always be known for his ability to out-Mexican Mexican actors in such films as Touch of Evil and El Cid.
In a now-famous incident, controversial documentarist Michael Moore sabotaged Heston at his home for the anti-American-rights flick Bowling for Columbine. Long after the interview but shortly before the release of the film, Heston announced that he suffered from "Crazy Brain," thus provoking an outpouring of hatred for Moore even though Heston was still leading the NRA at that time and should seemingly be expected to answer questions regarding his leadership, but who am I but a lowly ol' Internet obituarist?
In the final CT scan of Heston's head, his brain cells can be seen in an alarming state of confusion. And now these scan results provide the last footage we have of America's last living overactor. Wait... I'm getting word that Jim Carrey ain't dead yet. Well, here it is anyway:
Heston is survived by a whole fuckload of guns.
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4 comments:
geez...what a tremendous blow to the NRA,the GOP and Neo-Nazis everywhere...oops, I already mentioned the GOP, didn't I?. Don't forget to mention Shatner in the OA catergory in the same breath as Carrey, Heston. Somehow, though, Shatner makes overacting seem cool, I think, because he at least has a great sense of humor about himself (and he once auctioned a kidney stone to charity for 75K, which he donated to H for H). Now there is a genius. Help us all if The Lord should ever be enough of a bastard to take Shatner. I hope this doesn't sound too soft and mushy, but I will have forgotten about Heston by the time my head hits the pillow tonight.
I'll miss you, Grampy. These assholes didn't know the real you.
Ambush. Ambush is the word i was looking for instead of sabotage.
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