Baby got back problems

My back is back to around 80%. As most of you recall, last week I sustained a devastating injury lifting a burning car off of a nun's baby. Since then, there have been a lot of things I can't do and a few new skills I've been forced to learn in place of those things.

Things I can't do
1. Cut my toenails.
2. Get out of my car comfortably.
3. Feed myself like I normally do.
4. Self-fellate.
5. Move furniture.

Corresponding new skills
1. Catch small forest mammals with my talons.
2. Maneuver a car down the aisles of grocery store.
3. Use utensils.
4. Knitting.
5. Conveying sincerity when I tell friends I wish I could help them move, but...

I've had to overcome several obstacles, and no matter how modest I am, I can't hide the fact that I'm a true American hero for my efforts. And like all other role models in this great land, I'm zonked on pain pills.