Friends are like the TV show "Friends": awful

In an update email from Shelfari, which is like Facebook for the intelligentsia such as myself, I was hit with this advice:
Your friends weren't active this week. Find more friends.

I felt like I had just opened the wisest fortune cookie ever. Much better than the one I got that said, "Your kindness is your greatest asset." That goddamn cookie didn't know me at all! My greatest asset is my DVD of "Kentucky Fried Movie" with a close second place going to my tattoo of Jesus that resembles an enchilada.

But for reals, I'm dumping all my current friends and finding new, more active ones. Or at least friends I don't hate. If you want to apply or audition to be my new friend, you first need to answer the following questions:

1. Are you male of female? ____ Why or why not?

2. Choose your age group: young/beautiful or old/ridiculous

3. Do you have a nickname? If no, you shall be called Peckerhead. If yes, what is it? _________ That name sucks. You shall be called Peckerhead.

4. Philanthropy is a hobby of mine. Will you help me break that habit?

5. Have you ever set your genitals on fire with a magnifying glass? (There's no wrong answer.)

6. Will you pass the salt?

7. Now the pepper?

8. Have you ever invaded a country based on cherrypicked intelligence? Then brother, you haven't lived.

9. In what state would you find the gentlest prison rapists?

10. Have you stopped beating your wife?

BONUS RIDDLE: He is I and I am him. Slim with the tilted brim. What's my motherfuckin' name?