WE DID IT!!!

We've secured Iraq!!!! Let freedom fucking ring!

After six-plus years and who cares anymore how many deaths, we've achieved the success in Iraq that Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Perle, Feith and Kristol promised us. And you people doubted these brilliant men. Well, I'll be the first to pitch in for the Mt. Rushmore-style monument that is sure to come.

This New York Times article documents all the signs of a free and happy nation: gambling, booze, hookers and cockfights. Why do you think the most joyous places on Earth are Indian casinos and Civil War-era cockfight reenactments? (Those goddamn roosters are sticklers for costume detail.)

Here's Bill Kristol laying out the plan to win the peace in Iraq before the war:

OLD PEOPLE and how to deal with them

I've said it a million times: Do NOT empower the elderly.

Because when you do, THIS is what happens.

Now them old motherfuckers gonna be shooting kids off their lawns. Next thing you know, they're going to demand respect. And fuck if I'll be the one to give it to them.

In another age-related opinion, since it seems like that's what I'll be doing in this goddamn post, let me just say this: Women: wait, let me start over. Two colons in a row look weird. Let me just say this: Women, don't fuck with the aging process. It's going to be OK. Aging is what people do. Let nature slowly decompose us until our loose skin catches on a corner and pulls off us like the sheet on a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

I mean, is this how you wanna go out? It's sooo not as cool as a heroin overdose. But hey, what is? Shit, I guess dying from injecting anything is cooler than most ways of dying.

I'm beginning to love Glenn Beck's show

Something awesome happens every day!

Me? A CWB?

Somehow earned the nickname CuntWhoreBitch from this shit-talkin' chick at the bar last night. Well, if a CWB has feelings, all of them are hurting right now.

For real though, there's something sexy about foul-mouthed women (see Sarah Silverman).
















What are you doing? I said, see Sarah Silverman, goddammit. Do I have to hold your fucking hand and lead you around like a show pony? AAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!! Ponies don't have hands. See what you've done? Just leave me alone.

Things I done did and will accomplish today

DONE DID ACCOMPLISH

1. Wash car
2. Grocery store
3. Laundry
4. Eat something delicious
5. Pay bills
6. Finish reading book; start new one
7. Watch a movie
8. Catch up on Friday Night Lights
9. Shower
10. Have first beer

WILL ACCOMPLISH

1. Drink 8-10 more beers
2. Five or so shots of whiskey
3. Punch someone for looking at me funny
4. Hide my car in an alley until the cops drive by
5. High-tail it home on the backstreets
6. Run over the shrubs near the garage
7. Vomit in the crushed shrubs
8. Go inside and wipe the splashback off my shoes
9. Drunk text everyone in my cell
10. Pass out with a frozen pizza in the oven


Best Saturday ever.