As promised, the great Bill Hicks

Recorded October 9, 1993. Broadcast on The Late Show last night, January 30, 2009:

Thank you, David Letterman

A man can't always atone for his sins. But I think Dave did his best Friday night by showing the Bill Hicks performance that was banned from the Late Show in October 1993. Dave brought on Bill's mother and offered a genuine, soulful apology and took sole blame for the decision that hurt and humiliated the brilliant comedian who would die a few short months later from pancreatic cancer at age 32.

I love David Letterman and Bill Hicks, so it was an emotional moment of closure after years of bitterness that, really, only Bill's family and fans remember. But it was important.

I hope to post the performance later. Here's Bill talking about being censored. Ignore the public access host.

As Chris Rock said, "Life is long."

I've accomplished nothing in my life. I don't plan on accomplishing anything. I've been sick for two and a half days now, and I'm fucking miserable. If all I have to look forward to is occasional illness and a dying carcass, I'm not interested.

I still get a small kick out of the little things in life: Blackwater losing its contract in Iraq, the return of Friday Night Lights even though this is probably the last season, watching old people slip and break their hips after the ice storm we had this past week, mentally toying with the nonexistent recipe to my not-world-famous chicken-fried rolls with a gravy center, and women with low self-esteem.

But is that enough? Are those good enough reasons to keep plodding along in this world?

Maybe if some of the rolls have cream gravy and some have brown gravy...

Goddamn Dems

Why can't they pay their taxes? First Geithner, now Daschle. We're trying to get a Cabinet in place here, people! And what's with Daschle's glasses?




Side note: During one of the three times I went jogging when I lived in DC, I crossed paths with Tom Daschle. I gave him a nod, and he gave me the finger. It was shortly after he'd been ousted from office, so I'm sure he was bitter toward humanity.

Side note correction: He didn't give me the finger. But I'm not sure if he nodded back or even made eye contact. And that's just rude.

Banned in the U.S.A.

This is from a news story I kept after September 11. It's a list of all the songs Clear Channel temporarily banned from it's more than 1,000 radio stations. Normally, I'm all for keeping Dave Matthews and Bush off the airwaves. But I thought this was silly at the time, as crushed and distraught and depressed and angry as I was at the tragedy I watched live on TV.

This is a reminder of the irrationality that comes with fear.

''Bodies'' - Drowning Pool
''Death Blooms'' - Mudvayne
''Dread and the Fugitive Mind'' - Megadeth
''Sweating Bullets'' - Megadeth
''Click Click Boom'' - Saliva
''Boom'' - P.O.D.
''Seek and Destroy'' - Metallica
''Harvester of Sorrow'' - Metallica
''Enter Sandman'' - Metallica
''Fade to Black'' - Metallica
All songs by Rage Against the Machine
''Head Like a Hole'' - Nine Inch Nails
''Bad Religion'' - Godsmack
''Intolerance'' - Tool
''Blow Up the Outside World'' - Soundgarden
''Fell on Black Days'' - Soundgarden
''Black Hole Sun'' - Soundgarden
''Shot Down in Flames'' - AC/DC
''Shoot to Thrill'' - AC/DC
''Dirty Deeds'' - AC/DC
''Highway to Hell'' - AC/DC
''Safe in New York City'' - AC/DC
''T.N.T.'' - AC/DC
''Hells Bells'' - AC/DC
''War Pigs'' - Black Sabbath
''Sabbath Bloody Sabbath'' - Black Sabbath
''Suicide Solution'' - Ozzy Osbourne
''Holy Diver'' - Dio
''Jet Airliner'' - Steve Miller Band
''Jump'' - Van Halen
''Another One Bites the Dust'' - Queen
''Killer Queen'' - Queen
''Hit Me With Your Best Shot'' - Pat Benatar
''Love Is a Battlefield'' - Pat Benatar
''Dead Man's Party'' - Oingo Boingo
''It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)'' - R.E.M.
''Burning Down the House'' - Talking Heads
''Some Heads Are Gonna Roll'' - Judas Priest
''Run Like Hell'' - Pink Floyd
''Mother'' - Pink Floyd
''Crash and Burn'' - Savage Garden
''Crash Into Me'' - Dave Matthews
''Walk Like an Egyptian'' - Bangles
''My City Was Gone'' - Pretenders
''Ironic'' - Alanis Morissette
''Falling for the First Time'' - Barenaked Ladies
''Bad Day'' - Fuel
''St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)'' - John Parr
''When You're Falling'' - Afro-Celt Sound System with Peter Gabriel
''Dust in the Wind'' - Kansas
''Stairway to Heaven'' - Led Zeppelin
''A Day in the Life'' - The Beatles
''Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds'' - The Beatles
''Ticket To Ride'' - The Beatles
''Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da'' - The Beatles
''Knockin' on Heaven's Door'' - Bob Dylan and Guns n' Roses
''Fire'' - Arthur Brown
''Burnin' For You'' - Blue Oyster Cult
''Live and Let Die'' - Paul McCartney & Wings
''Hey Joe'' - Jimi Hendrix
''Doctor My Eyes'' - Jackson Brown
''Crumblin' Down'' - John Mellencamp
''Paper in Fire'' - John Mellencamp
''Sunday Bloody Sunday'' - U2
''Smokin'' - Boston
''Only the Good Die Young'' - Billy Joel
''Eve of Destruction'' - Barry McGuire
''(Na Na Hey Hey) Kiss Him Goodbye'' - Steam
''On Broadway'' - Drifters
''Johnny Angel'' - Shelley Fabares
''Black is Black'' - Los Bravos
''I Go To Pieces'' - Peter & Gordon
''A World Without Love'' - Peter & Gordon
''(You're the) Devil in Disguise'' - Elvis Presley
''She's Not There'' - Zombies
''Bennie and the Jets'' - Elton John
''Daniel'' - Elton John
''Rocket Man'' - Elton John
''Great Balls of Fire'' - Jerry Lee Lewis
''Evil Ways'' - Santana
''Get Together'' - Youngbloods
''The Boy From New York City'' - Ad Libs
''Blowin' in the Wind'' - Peter, Paul and Mary
''Leaving On a Jet Plane'' - Peter, Paul and Mary
''Ruby Tuesday'' - Rolling Stones
''Shattered'' - Rolling Stones
''Bridge Over Troubled Waters'' - Simon and Garfunkel
''See You in September'' - Happenings
''I Feel the Earth Move'' - Carole King
''In the Year 2525'' - Zager and Evans
''Spirit in the Sky'' - Norman Greenbaum
''The Worst That Could Happen'' - Brooklyn Bridge
''When Will I See You Again'' - Three Degrees
''Peace Train'' - Cat Stevens
''Morning Has Broken'' - Cat Stevens
''Dead Man's Curve'' - Jan and Dean
''Nowhere to Run'' - Martha & The Vandellas
''Dancing in the Street'' - Martha & The Vandellas and Van Halen
''He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother'' - Hollies
''Wonderful World'' - Sam Cooke and Herman's Hermits
''A Sign of the Times'' - Petula Clark
''American Pie'' - Don McLean
''Last Kiss'' - J. Frank Wilson (and recently done by Pearl Jam)
''That'll Be the Day'' - Buddy Holly and the Crickets
''Imagine'' - John Lennon
''Mack the Knife'' - Bobby Darin
''Rock the Casbah'' - The Clash
''Wipeout'' - Surfaris
''And When I Die'' - Blood, Sweat & Tears
''Bits and Pieces'' - Dave Clark Five
''Disco Inferno'' - Tramps
''The Night Chicago Died'' - Paper Lace
''New York New York'' - Frank Sinatra
''Travelin' Band'' - Creedence Clearwater Revival
''You Dropped a Bomb On Me'' - Gap Band
''Smooth Criminal'' - Alien Ant Farm
''Duck & Run'' -- 3 Doors Down
''The End'' - The Doors
''Jumper'' - Third Eye Blind
''America'' - Neil Diamond
''Fly Away'' - Lenny Kravitz
''Free Fallin''' - Tom Petty
''I'm On Fire'' - Bruce Springsteen
''I'm Goin' Down'' - Bruce Springsteen
''In the Air Tonight'' - Phil Collins
''Rooster'' - Alice In Chains
''Sea of Sorrow'' - Alice In Chains
''Down in a Hole'' - Alice In Chains
''Them Bones'' - Alice In Chains
''Sure Shot'' - Beastie Boys
''Sabotage'' - Beastie Boys
''Fire Woman'' - Cult
''Santa Monica'' - Everclear
''Hey Man, Nice Shot'' - Filter
''Learn to Fly'' - Foo Fighters
''Falling Away from Me'' - Korn
''Aeroplane'' - Red Hot Chili Peppers
''Under the Bridge'' - Red Hot Chili Peppers
''Bullet with Butterfly Wings'' - Smashing Pumpkins
''Chop Suey'' - System of a Down
''End of the World'' - Skeeter Davis
''Travelin' Man'' - Ricky Nelson
''Have You Seen Her'' - Chi-Lites
''We Gotta Get Out of This Place'' - Animals
''Rescue Me'' - Fontella Bass
''Devil With the Blue Dress'' - Mitch Ryder and Detroit Wheels
''Fire and Rain'' - James Taylor
''War'' - Edwin Starr and Bruce Springsteen
''Tuesday's Gone'' - Lynyrd Skynyrd
''Break Stuff'' - Limp Bizkit
''Brain Stew'' - Green Day
''Say Hello 2 Heaven'' - Temple of the Dog
''Fly'' - Sugar Ray
''When It's Over'' - Sugar Ray
''Bound for the Floor'' - Local H
''Left Behind, Wait and Bleed'' - Slipknot
''Speed Kills'' - Bush
''Down'' - 311
''Big Bang Baby'' - Stone Temple Pilots
''Dead and Bloated'' - Stone Temple Pilots
''99 Luftballons'' - Nina
''No Smoke Without a Fire'' - Bad Company

I'm going down

I lay on the couch cocooned in a blanket. Alternating between feverish shivering (illness) and euphoric weeping (Springsteen live on the television machine), I tried to decide if I was delirious. I couldn't come to a conclusion.

The only thing I knew for sure: Next time I get sick, I'm hiring a cool-skinned lady to caress my forehead and fetch me water. What's the going rate for that anyway?

Wrong again, Zod

Despite the company-wide salary freeze at my office (I blame the overproduction of zinc for the nation's economic decline), we still had individual job-performance evaluations.

I got generally glowing reviews. Which means they haven't discovered the troop of monkeys I keep in the building's basement to do my editing work for me.

But the one comment in the report that when read right can apply to all facets of my life was "can make a good decision when necessary."

I prefer to put a little emphasis on "can" with an implied "but" at the end and maybe a "sure" at the beginning so that it's:

"Sure, he can make a good decision when necessary, but..."

For instance, I left uncooked ground beef in the fridge for over a month. I wanted tacos last night, but the beef didn't look right. There, at that moment, I was on the cusp of a good decision: Dispose of the rotting ground beef. Instead, I doused it in anti-bacterial kitchen cleaner for an hour before rinsing and cooking.

Did I get sick? You betcha. Real sick. I'm currently on life support in ICU. Originally, I wanted to write this as a public service announcement à la Yul Brynner.




Except that I picture myself more as the Steve McQueen of food poisoning.



Tainted beef is the thinking man's food with the eating man's taste.

The Fist Couple... I mean, First Couple

Hey, whatever they're into, man. I can dig it. But I feel some things are on a need-to-know basis.

Yes we can. I guess.

I'm finding hard to believe the past eight years is actually and finally behind us. Thinking about all the things that were wrongfully inflicted on this country dampened the exuberance I experienced this morning. What if today is the best day we'll have for the next four, eight, 50 years? What if we're in too deep a hole? And there's nothing like the global celebration of a fellow human ascending to the most powerful position in the world to make me feel like I've wasted my life. I haven't done anything, nor do I expect to do anything with my remaining years.

The only silver lining to my nothingness that I can think of right now is that I could have ascended to the most powerful position in the world and been this guy:



He should thank his lucky stars that history remembers his buffoonery more than his war crimes.

Good fucking riddance.

R.I.P. Urethra

I predicted this. I said, "This has the potential to be very, very bad." And I nailed it. I'm demanding that I be put in charge of inauguration entertainment from now on. I wouldn't pick an act who has lost it. I mean really lost it. For fuck's sake, she says "My cunt... tree 'tis of thee... ." Now I can't stop imagining what it looks like.

Happy Obama Day!

Join me for mimosas, bloody marys and a champagne toast this morning as we celebrate a new day and the true New Year. We will watch live coverage of the inauguration and party like it's 10 years past 1999 (pour some out for the stillborn Y2K, y'all). Plus, I've got movies on standby (waving just to say hi) in case Biden starts ad libbing his oath of office.

Then we're all going streaking downtown. Just like the prophets foretold.

Fleetwood Mac Daddy

First, let's dispel all the rumors from Saturday night.

Rumor: We had a party at the house.
Status: True. We did. It lasted until 5:30 a.m.

Rumor: I was wasted on whiskey, sick and passed out by 10:45 p.m.
Status: True. I went overboard. Maybe smoked something I shouldn't have. I was spinning right round, baby, right round, like a record, baby. Right round round round.

Rumor: I don't know the meaning of "dispel."
Status: It means "legitimize a rumor." Right?

The morning after

7:30 a.m., January 6, 2009

I fucking love football.

Halftime

8:48 p.m. January 5, 2009

I fucking hate football.

Elvis and the Costellos

I don't have to tell you people.

Well... yes, I probably do. If you'd get off the computer every once and awhile, I wouldn't have to.

Elvis Costello is doing great interviews about music with various icons who know their shit (so far, Elton John, Lou Reed, Bill Clinton, James Taylor, Tony Bennett). And there are several performances in each episode.

This is one of my favorites:



The series is called Spectacle, and it's on the Sundance Channel.

Wait, 2008, I'm not done!

I've barely been out in public since Thanksgiving. I had every intention of living it up the last two days of December, but when the time came, I chose to watch TV and movies at home. So should I party at home alone all day today to start off the new year right? Or go running and eat healthy food to start off the new year like a goddamn pussy?

Forget all that. Here are the notable moments from 2008:

Barack Obama
My liberal guilt has been cleansed from my soul now that black people will have the chance to enslave us whites.

Chinese Democracy
After a full month of nonstop listening, I think I finally burned out on this album. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the greatest album of all time. Wait. I think that was the lie. But for real, I dig it, and I'm glad I lived to see the clusterfuck that is the new Guns n' Roses disc.

Bigloo, R.I.P.
After 12 years and as many as 15 shows, my friends' band finally called it quits. If those guys hadn't been around to write songs, it would probably mean that someone invented a time machine to go back and abort them in the womb. That person must be stopped.

Sarah Palin
Speaking of stopping abortions...
2008 was the year of the woman. The confident (Hillary). The beautiful (that chick who bent over at the bar last month and wasn't wearing a bra). And, of course, Gov. Palin. She embodied the most important quality we think of when we think of women: that Republican chicks are really good in the sack.

Concerts, concerts, concerts
I saw Springsteen, Radiohead, Chris Rock, Tom Petty, My Morning Jacket, Van Halen, Tom Waits, Nick Lowe, The Hold Steady, Wolf Parade and fuckload of others. I regret missing The Cool Kids (twice) and Q-Tip. It wasn't a race thing, I promise. But to make up for it, I will only go to black shows in 2009. Scratch that. I've already dealt with my liberal guilt. So I'll just see black music in February, like everyone else. Hang on... it's not a leap year, is it? No? Whew! Twenty-nine days would be excessive.

My health
I survived my first cancer scare and the common cold. Now I think I have an enlarged prostate. But because 2008 was the year of my health and I didn't go to the doctor before the new year, I will have to ignore my prostate until 2010. My prostate knew it was in a race against the clock, and it lost. Sucks to be it.

So, hooray for 2009! Ten years ago, I was starting my first post-college job at a newspaper. Ten years from now, I hope to be bionic. Or just generally unstoppable.