In the waning days of the 2008 election and with Obama maintaining a healthy overall lead, John McCain keeps unfiring up his supporters by saying, "We've got them just where we want them. We like being the underdog..."
Yes, McCain loves the thrill of losing. Frankly, I'm impressed with his campaign's ability to push Obama way out front. That's fucking teamwork.
My opinion about the performance of the presidential candidates in the debates goes without saying. But I'll say it anyway. Frankly, I'm stunned at how badly Blinky McLizard* performed, especially in the debates where he was supposed to hit a home run (foreign policy and town hall).
So instead of pointing out how many lies McCain told in this debate and how he even mocked the "health" of a mother seeking an abortion (the quotes were McCain's, not mine), I offer this little bit of awkward hilariousness:
*My friend M.Wing coined the oh-so-appropriate nickname for the GOP candidate. If you question it, watch any clip of him at any time in any setting.
And of course, you may remember that I pinned Obama's chances of being elected on one of two things: the Cubs winning the world series or Texas beating Oklahoma.
I'm not sure how the Cubs thing turned out. I think Major League Baseball players may have staged a strike and the season was canceled. I'm not sure. I haven't checked a newspaper in weeks. BUT... what I do know is that UT owned OU like a man owns a wife.
So while Obama's poll numbers have been solid and it may have looked like McCain was out of the race, the election wasn't really wrapped up until this past weekend.
Here's a small taste of what my 'Horns did to the Sooners:
I went to a lot of effort to win the big game. I flew to DC just so I could watch it in the bar where I watched almost every game of our national championship season. And it fucking worked.
The Longhorns are number fucking one. I'm a little dismayed that I wasn't welcomed back to Texas with a parade, but I've got more important things to worry about. Like winning out the rest of the season and getting cruel and unusual revenge on the neo-Nazis at A&M.
Truthfully, I can't take full credit for Saturday's astounding victory. My friend Chad and his wife gave birth to their second daughter last week. Every time they have a girl, we win a national championship. There's a bit of pressure on them because I plan on winning back-to-back championships. So they're gonna need to get pregnant again no later than March.
Also, I had a bet with my personal trainer. I had every intention of skipping the gym this week so I could drink every night, but now I have to go work out tomorrow so I can see my trainer wear a UT shirt and say that Colt McCoy is the greatest quarterback in the history of college football (we all know it's actually Vince, but we have to live in the moment).
Oh, and the best part about winning was walking around Capitol Hill after the game and people yelling congratulations from their cars or walking up and patting me on the back. That city knows how to show respect to a winner.
And I'm a winner. Heck, we're all winners this week. Our country finally did something right.
I've decided Sean Hannity is my new archenemy (sorry, Tom Cruise). I shouldn't give him the attention, but I don't exactly have a wide readership, so fuck it. Hannity is poisonous, a liar, hateful, a bully, smug, stupid and totally douchey.
It's really not a challenge because he says disgusting shit for hours each day on his radio and TV shows. Some targets are too easy. But I like easy. Easy targets, easy tests, over-easy eggs... easy women (wink).
So here we go. A few choice Hannity-related clips. I will let you judge him for yourself. But if you judge him more positively than I do, you're an asshole.
Here's Hannity saying it was OK for McCain to cheat on his wife because he'd been a POW.
This is kinda funny because Hannity doesn't know who Sharpton is talking about but tries to act like he couldn't hear the question even after Colmes repeats it for him.
This one's really not fair. But it's silly, and it's growing on me.
Because I'm sleepy and want to save the even-better clips for the drawn-out, epic battle between the hero (me) and his newly crowned archenemy (Sean), here's one of Ron Paul supporters chasing Hannity.
Sean Hannity cracks me up. I watch him more than I'd like to admit. His style of interviewing someone he disagrees with goes something like this: He leans in and rams accusations down a person's throat and demands an answer. Then when the person tries to answer, he talks over them in an attempt to cow the person into flustration (my coined word). He is completely unable to debate someone fairly. I know, I know... Hannity sounds a lot like O'Reilly. But here's the difference: O'Reilly has a superiority complex and projects his own feelings of inferiority onto his guests. Hannity is straight-up narcissistic and stupid, which is a dangerous combination. It's only fair to assume that Hannity is a date rapist. If that sounds like a leap in logic, just think back to the last person who date raped you and remember how many times that person looked in the mirror before the roofies kicked in. You get bonus points if that person was Sean Hannity.
So....
A quick bit of background on this clip. Hannity's Sunday evening show, the monarchically titled Hannity's America, featured a hit job on Obama that prominently featured notorious racist and anti-Semite Andy Martin (parading as an "author and journalist"), who said that when Obama was a community organizer, he "was in training for a radical overthrow of the government."
And here's a typical Andy Martin quote from one of the many frivolous lawsuits he's filed over the years (in this case bankruptcy): "I am able to understand how the Holocaust took place, and with every passing day feel less and less sorry that it did, when Jew survivors are operating as a wolf pack to steal my property."
Fantastic! A top-notch source for digging up the truth about Obama.
So...
There are two awesome things in this clip. The first is when Hannity calls himself a journalist. I laughed about through the first half of my Wednesday.
The second is when Sean Hannity makes an offer to Obama staffer Robert Gibbs.
Hannity says, "I'll make a deal with you. If Barack Obama admits that what he did by sitting on a board with, giving speeches with... [Bill Ayers]..." And Gibbs interrupts, "You'll admit you're anti-Semitic?"
ZING! I laughed about that through the second half of my Wednesday.
I was trying to watch tonight's debate, but I'm too goddamn nervous. I gave next month's rent to Barack Obama, and I feel like Tom Brokaw is sandbagging him a bit. And as old, frail, incoherent and awkward McCain appears on the stage, I'm afraid his campaign's ramped-up sleaze tactics are gonna prevail somehow.
So I'm taking a break to brainstorm bumper sticker ideas for my new business: a bumper sticker ideas business. I call it Ideas for Slogans That Go On Bumper Stickers, Inc. It took me a week to trim the name to something manageable.
Here's what I've got so far:
My other car is actually this car (because why do I need two cars?).
Copy editors do it using good grammar.
My boss is a Jewish carpenter named Saul Brooks.
Nobama is not a word, idiots.
It's a child, not a choice. Or is it?
If you can read this, have you read Where the Red Fern Grows? Good book.
Life's a bitch, and so are you. For real. I find you unpleasant. Bitch-like, if you will.
I'd rather be masturbating. Oh wait. I am.
My child is an honor student. He's on your daughter like... dammit. I fucked that up.
I've been slacking on the blogging for a lot of reasons. For a bunch of reasons. For a herd of reasons. For a pack of reasons. For a horde of reasons. For a litter of reasons. For a covey of reasons. For a swarm of reasons. For a colony of reasons. For a pride of reasons. For a flock of reasons. For a school of reasons. For a pod of reasons. For a passel of reasons. For a brood of reasons. For a drove of reasons. For a warren of reasons. For a mob of reasons. For a murder of reasons.
Ah, that's the one. Murder. No, I didn't murder anyone. Yet. [I'm looking at you, Potential Murder Victim. You know who you are. Potentially.] But I do want to murder the people who decided WGN should be available via cable TV in Grandfield, Oklahoma, in the spring and summer of 1984, thus leading me, a second-grade graduate and Little League southpaw pitcher, to become obsessed with a little ol' team of disappointments called the Chicago Cubs. If somehow I can prove that the christian god was involved, I will murder him as well.
And in related news, at a rally in Florida, possible future vice president Sarah Palin was discussing dear-jesus-I-hope-future-president Obama's association with former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, when someone yelled out "Kill him!" Was the Palin supporter suggesting someone kill Obama or was he suggesting Ayers? Does it matter? McCain and Palin are attracting psychos. And not the keep-their-dead-mothers-in-a-rocking-chair-while-killing-the-occasional-passerby brand of psychos. These are the proactive ones who will jump at the chance to lynch a black man if Palin will just give them the go-ahead wink.
And now that I'm bringing my Cubs luck to the election, we could all be in trouble. If UT beats OU this weekend, everything could be saved. But if we lose... then, holy christ, you people need to get out and vote in droves. Herds. Swarms. Hordes. Coveys. Broods. Murders. Whatever.
There's an empty lot that's more like a small field next to my office building. I work on the fourth floor, and I have a window. I'm looking out at the field right now. For reasons unknown to me, there's a Bob the Builder cutout standing in the field. He's staring at me.
I missed my deadline to get in a bunch of blogs before October. I had a number set in my head. But then I filled my head with whiskey. Even though I was (am) sick.
So I'm going to go to sleep now. However, I feel like I need to say that AC/DC releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart is sicker than I am. They can now rank themselves amongst such suck-ass sellouts as The Eagles and Journey (but god, i love journey). The great, late, great-again Bon Scott never would have drunk himself to death if he'd known this could happen. But he would drink himself to death right now if this happened and he was still alive. I'm thinking about drinking myself to death out of respect for him.
