Portland: A Brief History

Portland, Oregon is a city full of unbearable hipsters and filthy hippies.

Comedian Brian Gaar

In the semi-finals of the Funniest Person in Austin competition:

How SurlyZ Got His Groove and Daughter Back

I may be speaking too soon. Things can change in three weeks. My plane to Portland could crash on Memorial Day. I could contract swine flu and die... by sneezing when I'm putting in my contacts, causing me to impale my brain on my finger, because that's the only way for a moderately healthy human to die from that overhyped shit.

But as of today, my plan for Saturday, May 30 is to drive most or all of the way to San Antonio and retrieve my little girl.



No, not that adorable human baby. I'm talking about the gorgeous brindle daddy's girl on the right.

It's been five+ years since I've had custody, and the stars have willed that I have her again. Long story. And none of your business.

Here she is again about to lick a cat to death.



You people are in for it now.

The Colonel Is (Was) Missing

(from the archives)

February 23, 1985
LOUISVILLE, Ky. —— Less than five years after his death, the chicken-fried corpse of Harland "(The) Colonel" Sanders was stolen last night from his heavily seasoned coffin in what police are calling an old-fashioned, finger-licking body-snatching.

The grave robbers released a photo (below) of The Colonel's body with a note demanding a ransom of a bucket of original $100 bills, a bucket of crispy $100 bills and a family-sized order of mashed potatoes.

More details to follow.





UPDATE: The body has been found in a Japanese river. See this story for a picture and info.

WE DID IT!!!

We've secured Iraq!!!! Let freedom fucking ring!

After six-plus years and who cares anymore how many deaths, we've achieved the success in Iraq that Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Perle, Feith and Kristol promised us. And you people doubted these brilliant men. Well, I'll be the first to pitch in for the Mt. Rushmore-style monument that is sure to come.

This New York Times article documents all the signs of a free and happy nation: gambling, booze, hookers and cockfights. Why do you think the most joyous places on Earth are Indian casinos and Civil War-era cockfight reenactments? (Those goddamn roosters are sticklers for costume detail.)

Here's Bill Kristol laying out the plan to win the peace in Iraq before the war:

OLD PEOPLE and how to deal with them

I've said it a million times: Do NOT empower the elderly.

Because when you do, THIS is what happens.

Now them old motherfuckers gonna be shooting kids off their lawns. Next thing you know, they're going to demand respect. And fuck if I'll be the one to give it to them.

In another age-related opinion, since it seems like that's what I'll be doing in this goddamn post, let me just say this: Women: wait, let me start over. Two colons in a row look weird. Let me just say this: Women, don't fuck with the aging process. It's going to be OK. Aging is what people do. Let nature slowly decompose us until our loose skin catches on a corner and pulls off us like the sheet on a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

I mean, is this how you wanna go out? It's sooo not as cool as a heroin overdose. But hey, what is? Shit, I guess dying from injecting anything is cooler than most ways of dying.

I'm beginning to love Glenn Beck's show

Something awesome happens every day!

Me? A CWB?

Somehow earned the nickname CuntWhoreBitch from this shit-talkin' chick at the bar last night. Well, if a CWB has feelings, all of them are hurting right now.

For real though, there's something sexy about foul-mouthed women (see Sarah Silverman).
















What are you doing? I said, see Sarah Silverman, goddammit. Do I have to hold your fucking hand and lead you around like a show pony? AAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!! Ponies don't have hands. See what you've done? Just leave me alone.

Things I done did and will accomplish today

DONE DID ACCOMPLISH

1. Wash car
2. Grocery store
3. Laundry
4. Eat something delicious
5. Pay bills
6. Finish reading book; start new one
7. Watch a movie
8. Catch up on Friday Night Lights
9. Shower
10. Have first beer

WILL ACCOMPLISH

1. Drink 8-10 more beers
2. Five or so shots of whiskey
3. Punch someone for looking at me funny
4. Hide my car in an alley until the cops drive by
5. High-tail it home on the backstreets
6. Run over the shrubs near the garage
7. Vomit in the crushed shrubs
8. Go inside and wipe the splashback off my shoes
9. Drunk text everyone in my cell
10. Pass out with a frozen pizza in the oven


Best Saturday ever.

Where did we go wrong?

This country is falling apart. The government's freaking out over bonuses they knew were being paid to the fuck-ups at AIG. Geithner doesn't know how to fix the banks. Rush Limbaugh gets press coverage for his cocksuckery. People are trying to scalp tickets they got for free to the Jay Leno show in (or rather, near) Detroit even though the tickets were overpriced in the first place. The North Koreans are holding two of our least-known (and least-careful) journalists. Nobody watches Friday Night Lights but me, two of my friends and the critics. Gary Sinise writes columns for CNN.com. YouTube apparently took down my favorite Van Morrison performance. The Special Olympics are waging a war on the word "retard."

And if any new countries were formed or dissolved in the last seven years, I need to update my motherfucking globe.

That's it. I'm drinking all day.

Oh wait. Here's something right with the country: the great Alejandro Escovedo.