Chinese DeMOCKracy (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Gn'R Again)

There’s nothing I can write about Chinese Democracy and Axl Rose that would be new or insightful. Most of the reviews have already savaged the pair, and Chuck Klosterman’s glowing A-minus review covered a lot of ground on both sides of the fence.

I was pretty taken aback through the first listen. My friend El Cento said he questions every artistic decision made on the album by W. Axl Lucas, a reference I take to mean “the ability to somehow overcook a half-baked idea” à la the newer Star Wars movies and the bane of my existence, the new Indiana Jones “film.”

And I agree with him. But something happened along the way...

I made no secret about my devious plan to purchase Chinese Democracy on the official release date. I’ve been a Guns n’ Roses fan for more than 20 years. Appetite for Destruction still ranks in my top five albums of all time. I even own The Spaghetti Incident? though it has been shelved for years.

So, yes, I went to the dreaded Best Buy at noon on Sunday to pick up the new album and spent the next 15 minutes with my jaw dragging on the ground. I had no idea what I was hearing. I felt like I had gone mad.

There are jarring moments and inexplicable sounds. Gone are the days of songs about getting fucked and fucked up. Nothing about burying a mouthy bitch in the backyard. Not a single threat to fight the editors and publishers of rock mags. Just songs about... well... I’m not sure.

But most disturbing is Axl’s voice. At times, it’s as good as Appetite-era Axl. And I would say that it’s far better than on either Use Your Illusion disc. On Illusion, Axl didn’t roar with Appetite anger; he whined nasally, as if he thought that’s what it took to elevate his singing into the pantheon of legendary vocalists. On Chinese Democracy, he’s got the roar back and then some.

What makes his voice so disturbing is that it shouldn’t be this good. I’m suspicious. There are songs with obvious vocal manipulation, done for effect. But a lot of the suspect moments come on songs sung straight. So why wouldn’t he manipulate it on every song that needs a high note normally unreachable by a forty-something-year-old who spent his twenties screaching and screaming on long tours? If Kanye West and Snoop Dogg can croon these days, why can’t studio-hermit Axl Rose trick up his voice too?

People who have seen the sporadic live shows over the past few years say that he still sounds great live. Maybe he does. And Jesus might have been the messiah.

Hey, I don’t blame him. It’s just weird. Remember in Superman III when the giant weather computer captures Robert Vaughn’s female co-villain and scarily transforms her into a robot-esque killing machine? I feel like the studio equipment Axl used was too advanced and eventually turned Axl into a host for it’s parasitic schemes. Either that or Axl died, was buried in a supernatural pet cemetery, clawed his way out of the grave and returned to the studio as good as new... yet... different somehow.

Add to that musicians like Buckethead and Brain, and you have the most terrifying band in history. Sorry, GWAR and Marilyn Manson.

The most reassuring aspect of Chinese Democracy is that Axl’s ego is intact. He makes sure you know that while 13 of the 14 songs were written with assistance from his musicians, he alone wrote the “lyrics n’ melodies” and produced his vocals.

I bought the album out of a healthy combo of morbid curiosity and band loyalty. I expected to listen once of twice and shelve it next to Spaghetti. But a funny thing happened: I got hooked. I can’t stop listening. At first, it was just fascination at the aural spectacle (if you will). Now I accidentally like some of the songs. I may even like a majority of the songs. I don’t understand it.

And frankly, I’m concerned.

But for now... Guns n' Fuckin' Roses are back!!!

P.S. If you wanted to cash in on the free Dr Pepper we were all supposed to get if Chinese Democracy came out this year, the offer ended Monday.