R.I.P. Paul Newman

Not that we didn't know it was coming. He was 83 for Christ's sake. But it sucks anyway.

Some of my (and everyone's) favorite Newman movies include:

The Long, Hot Summer
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
The Hustler
Hud
Cool Hand Luke
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Sting
Buffalo Bill and the Indians
Slap Shot
The Verdict
The Hudsucker Proxy

To name a few.

I've even got some of his goddamn salad dressing in my fridge.

Illness hath befallen me

Where were all of you as I tossed and turned in my bed last night, alternating between convulsive chills and brain-cooking fever?

Your humble hero needs soup. You've got 15 minutes. Standing idly by is the same as murder. Maybe not in a court of law. But judgment will not be withheld when you testify before your god. He will loose the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword.

Don't run dry

I spent the better part of a month on a rampaging bender until I saw a light far across the dark room and found my way out and onto a new path of decency, righteousness, progress and personal growth.

But I've spent the last few days trying to remember the specifics of this alleged new path, and I can't remember shit. So I'm giving it 48 more hours, and then it's whiskey river take my mind.

Speaking of benders, here are two guys who knew something about that. May god rest their drunken souls:

Living the dream

Just saw this David Blaine headline on CNN.com:

Magician's next stunt could leave him blind

Oh my god, he's going to try to break the world record for continuous masturbation!!!

If he thinks I'm just gonna sit back and let him take the title from me, he's got another thing... coming.

News and notes

1. I was going to donate to the Obama campaign, but I decided to use that money to lay down a bet. However, the bet is on his campaign. If he wins, I win, and then I'll split the winnings with him.

2. Turned on my TV to find myself graced with the unfortunate 2007 "film" Redline. How did they get A-list talent like Tim Matheson to sign on for this? Then I realized it's directed by the guy who did End Game, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Angie Harmon, and all questions were answered.

3. I've done 'bout had enough of people seeing Jesus in things. Tortillas. Trees. Rabbit fur. And now, one of the dumbest things ever: a water stain on the ceiling of a weight-loss center. But it's not the stupid people who think they see Jesus who piss me off. It's the dumb-fuck news organizations that keep covering these non-stories. Personally, I see a fucking water stain on a ceiling tile. But if I really stretch my imagination, I see my great-uncle Chester touching me in places that made me cry when I was 7 years old. Of course, he told me he was Jesus too.

R.I.P. Bigloo

First we lose Bernie Mac. Now we lose his musical equivalent, the WF/Dallas band Bigloo.

Sure they weren't as successful as Bernie Mac. But the people who heard them dug it.

And sure, they weren't as black as Bernie Mac. But I remember hearing some soul and hip-hop creep-creep-creeping into the mix.

And also sure, there really aren't any similarities between them and Bernie Mac. But... well... whose idea was it to compare them to Bernie Mac? I love Bernie Mac and all, but his comedy never got me laid. And while I'm not crediting Bigloo's music wholly (alcohol and my mid-20s beauty also contributed, though that was a long time ago), there's something about good rock 'n' roll that gets the ladies wet. Are ya with me, gals?

Forget it. Anyway, so long.

Finally, some good news about cell phones

From a trusted news source:

(CNN) -- Keeping a cell phone on talk mode in a pocket can decrease sperm quality, according to new research from the Cleveland Clinic.

I hope those of you who I talk to on the phone enjoy talking to my crotch because I must attain sterility before the Cubs win the World Series.

For you see, when they do, I'm going on a fuck-spree.

Sarah Palin: The Sean Hannity Interview (Part II)

And now, part two of the Fox News Channel exclusive interview, as broadcast Thursday, September 18.

Hannity: Softball.

Palin: Talking point.

Hannity: I said, Softball!

Palin: Dodge.

Hannity: Joke about Obama.

Palin: Giggle.

Hannity: Chuckle.

Palin: Good question, Sean.

Hannity: Out of context Obama quote that has long since been proved to be out of context.

Palin: Small towns.

Hannity: Now let's pretend to be casual and walk through this gigantic living room.

Palin: Hollow, vapid answer that viewers won't pick up on because they're distracted by us walking casually toward the camera in this gigantic living room.

Hannity: One more softball.

Panity: All of the talking points I haven't said yet. Oh, and I'd like to say "ruffle their feathers" one more time. We'll ruffle their feathers.

Hannity: Wow, what a revealing interview.

Goddamn pack of feral crickets...

ate off my leg below the knee. And my apartment burned down.

A little trick I learned from Midnight Oil

So this morning I got out of my first shower of the day (I take six) to find a cricket crawling on the side of my bed. Was it in the bed while I slept Tuesday night? Jesus, I hope not. Of course, I've had creepier things in my bed before (call me, Janine), but I still did the dance of a thousand shivers like a dog shaking off bath water.

Anyway, tonight I'm going in prepared. I've made an outline of my body on the bed with burning candles. If anything tries to get past the wall of flames, I'll be having breakfast in bed tomorrow.

Sarah Palin: The Sean Hannity Interview (Part I)

At the top of the Hannity & Colmes show Wednesday night, American hero Sean Hannity declared, "No topic is off limits." He was of course talking about his interview with the Republican nominee for vice president, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin. Hannity snagged the first cable interview with Palin since Sen. John McCain announced her as his running mate for the White House. Here now is the transcript of the first part of the two-part interview as broadcast on the Fox News Channel:

Hannity: Thank you, Gov. Palin, for being with us today.

Palin: Oh, it's my pleasure.

Hannity: Let's get right to it. You describe yourself as a reformer. What will you do to shake up Washington?

Palin: I'm a Washington outsider, and I'm proud of it. And I'm proud to be Sen. John McCain's partner. He is not afraid to ruffle feathers, and neither am I.

Hannity: Oh yeah. That's nice. Could you... could you say that again?

Palin: Which part?

Hannity: The feathers thing. But just say it about you. Don't say the other guy's name.

Palin: Oh, OK. I'm not afraid to ruffle feathers, Sean.

Hannity: Yeah. Oh yeah, that's it. I like when you say my name.

Palin: Sean, where is your right hand? I can't see it.

Hannity: I've only got one hand. Lost the other in a tragic... ummm... accident. Alan Colmes gnawed it off. He's a zombie corpse.

Palin: Now wait there, Sean. I shook your right hand when we met earlier for rehearsal. Is your hand... down your pants?

Hannity: Just give me a minute. Talk about how you stood up to your own party in Alaska.

Palin: You bet. I stand up to corruption wherever I see it. And I went in there knowing that I was going to ruffle some feathers, and--

Hannity: OH GOD! OH... OH... oh... oh, never mind. I thought that was it. Dammit.

Palin: Sean, I see what you're doing. It's no reason to be embarrassed. Would it help if I gave you a little tug? I've got a bottle of moose oil in my purse.

Hannity: No, that's alright. It's just not the same as it was with George W.

Palin: C'mon, Sean. I can be more to you than he ever could. You need a woman's touch.

Hannity: If I wanted a woman's touch, I'd let Geraldo Rivera suck me off again. I mean, I like the way the 'stache tickles, but...

Palin: I'm sorry, Sean. I'm really, really sorry.

Hannity: It's not your fault, Sarah. Thanks for trying. Let's move on...


Part two of this revealing and riveting interview can be seen Thursday night on Hannity & Colmes (9 p.m. ET). Check you local listings.

Unprovoked attack

I heard a financial analyst on NPR talking about the risky mortgages that have led to a lot of this market failure going on right now. He said:

Nobody knows what's in these bundles of mortgages. And they have a very, very low value because nobody can open them up and figure out which ones are paying and which ones are not paying. It's like Superman trying to look inside of a box that's wrapped in lead. You just can't see inside.

Isn't this crisis bad enough without maligning the character of Superman? Who amongst us can see through a lead box? Financial analysts are assholes.

Animals unveiled

Of course not every name listed in the last post was an actual animal. I hope you guessed what was what.

There were three actual animals, one foodstuff, something I think I got from Full Metal Jacket, one unappetizing slang for vagina, a completely made-up historical symbol, and an animal/verb.

Special thanks to El Cento for contributing another actual animal.

I wish there were more animal/verb combos. Wait, isn't there such thing as a "jizz"? No, I guess I'm thinking of the rarely seen Mexican Jizzing Ape.

But it's a truly magnificent creature to see in person. If you don't mind being drenched in ape jizz.

Actual animals that have dirty-sounding names

Horny toad
Titmouse
Humpback whale
Spotted dick
Alabama black snake
Bearded clam
Egyptian wang
Swallow

Your contributions are welcome.

Putting the hole back in holy?

When I was 7 years old, I used to really dig sneaking into the Baptist church in my hometown. I would spend a couple hours just walking around trying to not get caught.

During most of his tenure at that church, the preacher was fucking the organist. But I didn't understand what was going on. So I would hear them in his office or catch a glimpse of them spanking each other with hymnals in the choir loft.

For the better part of my childhood, I thought a prayer should sound something like "Oh God! Oh God, that feels so good! Please God, don't stop!" I mean, I really wanted God to inspire in me that kind of breathless bliss.

In 1983, I was asked to give the blessing at my family's Thanksgiving dinner. I have to assume everyone found it fairly shocking because it was the last time I was asked. And because we buried my great-grandmother two days later.

Speaking of porn...

Because all you talk about is porn, I've been thinking about the upcoming Kevin Smith film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

So I was looking at the filmography of one of the movie's stars, adult film actress Katie Morgan. Porn titles fall into at least three categories. Here they are... with a few examples from Ms. Morgan's career. Gather the children for this important lesson.


Clever
Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4
Whore of the Rings 2
Space Nuts
Garden of Eatin'
I Cream on Genie
Spunk'd: The Movie
30 Days in the Hole
Hole Sweet Hole
Boy Meats Girl 3


Lazy/Get to the Point
Truly Nice Ass 2
Deep Throat This 22
Interracial Cum Junkies 3
Phat Ass Tits 3
Tongues and Twats 1
Big Titty Woman
Group Sex 5
Jessica Jaymes Loves Cock
Hot Blondes Rock My Cock
Dirty Movie


Somewhat Bewildering
Please... Play Hard with Me!
Here's the Thing About Young Chicks
Glamazon
Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre
Marey Carey for Governor
Sunny Lane is Built for Filth
God's Will: The Sex Factor
For Love, Money or a Green Card
Who's Killing the Pets?


Oh man, I hope they're not fucking the pets to death in that one.

I take my coffee black... like my women

The porn store 30 minutes outside of Wichita Falls has a sign that says "Free Coffee." If you're a patron of this lovely shoppe, I hope you take your coffee black. Because you don't want the cream.

M.I.A.

The fact that I've been on hiatus from writing this blog is probably apparently only to me. And by hiatus, I mean three-week bender. I seem to have a hole in my heart the size of a slightly smaller heart. And while exorbitant amounts of alcohol actually work to fulfill me in ways that friends, family, lovers, religion, education, hobbies, exercise and tattoos never could, exorbitant amounts of alcohol can also create a real, physical hole in your heart. One you can stick your finger through if you were to carve open your chest with a bone saw. So I will try to put down the caring, tender bottle and be more consistent in posting for all of my uncaring, stringy readers.