Wrong Again, Zod!

Get Motivated!

2009-12-09T09:20:00.003-06:00

It's the one-week anniversary of my trip to San Antonio for the Get Motivated! Business Seminar featuring some of your favorite celebrities. Lady Gaga, Kate Plus 8, Tiger Woods, Rihanna, Robert Pattinson... none of these people were there.

However, Terry Bradshaw and George W. Bush were.

Drivers suck

2009-11-04T11:10:00.003-06:00

I need everyone to use their turn signals when changing lanes. Thanking you in advance.

I realize you think you're the only driver who deserves to be on the road at any given moment, but try to do me a favor and recognize us asshole drivers who had the nerve to take jobs with normal business hours.

Oh, wait. There's one exception. If you are interested in causing a collision that will stop traffic and make the rest of us late to work or late to pick up our canine offspring at daycare after work, please continue to flout traffic laws and common courtesy.

Oh, wait. There's another exception. If you don't value your own life and want to take out as many people as possible with you, don't worry about signaling.

I can actually get behind that.

The Avett Brothers

2009-10-21T11:09:00.002-05:00

Enjoy this musical interlude before I rant about something that pisses me off.

Audiences suck

2009-10-21T10:16:00.008-05:00

This is where I start: I hate Dallas.
This is where I end: I hate young white people.

Here's how it goes down:
I go to a lot of live music and comedy shows (mostly music). That's what I like to do with my money and spare time. But I feel like I'm one of maybe 10 people in DFW who knows how to shut the hell up during a performance.

Dallas people like to be noticed, but they don't like to accomplish anything of value or contribute anything to society. They just like to disrupt performers and ruin everyone's good time. They seem to think that if a guy on stage addresses them for being dicks, they've made a positive impression on that person. Or they'll be taken on tour. Or someone in the audience will cream their jeans and want to fuck them.

I've seen shows in many venues in many cities, but I've never been so embarrassed and uncomfortable as I get in Dallas. And worse, the asshole revolution is apparently taking over Austin. My friend recently reported that "motherfuckers wouldn't shut their suckholes" at a Bon Iver show. Austin was the only oasis in this godforsaken cultural desert of a state, but if it's a lost cause too, I need to move. Or cave in and join a militia if only for the pleasure of shooting people in the face.

But it's not necessarily a Dallas or Texas thing. Could it be generational? I attended Leonard Cohen and Elvis Costello shows over the summer and was ultrapleasantly surprised at the respect given to those two gentlemen. Maybe it's just my generation and younger whose heads are skull-shaped bags of douche. Except I saw Chris Rock last year with a decidedly younger and certainly more mixed-race crowd than the average rock act attracts, and the "I love you, Chris" comments were kept to a minimum. What gives?

So do I have to conclude that it's young white twentysomethings that are the scourge of the performing arts? That hardly sounds fair or provable. But FUCK YES. Fuck those kids in their loud mouths.

With apologies to David Cross for the reprehensible audience he had to endure. Especially that whore Donna Jo.

Swallowed when I should have spat

2009-10-20T11:20:00.003-05:00

Until I think of something worthwhile to write about (actually, I did think of something on the way home from work yesterday, but I promptly forgot it upon arriving home and finding a fresh 1970 episode of Hee Haw waiting on the DVR), I'm just going to list the things I accidentally ingested today.

A bug

Gasoline while siphoning fuel from the neighbor's car

A small piece of my own tongue flesh

Fruit

The remnants of my pride

Last night's leftovers (what am I, a hobo?)

Reasons I Haven't Been Writing This Blog Lately

2009-10-19T15:30:00.004-05:00

I've been playing defense for the Texas Longhorns.

I visited the dog every day she was in canine rehab for dogsmack.

All the cool kids are using WordPress instead of Google Blogger.

I'm building a decoy dog from my dog's shed hair.

I'm building a bridge to a better tomorrow. Out of dog hair.

Laziness begets sleeptitude.

I spend a lot of my spare time wishing I had more spare time to make wishes for more spare time.

My bosses at In This Economy? are slave drivers/owners.

I went to culinary school to learn to cook meth.

The hookworms have made me... sooo... sloooooowww.

Portland: A Brief History

2009-05-19T09:47:00.001-05:00

Portland, Oregon is a city full of unbearable hipsters and filthy hippies.

Comedian Brian Gaar

2009-05-13T10:27:00.003-05:00

In the semi-finals of the Funniest Person in Austin competition:

How SurlyZ Got His Groove and Daughter Back

2009-05-07T13:34:00.006-05:00

I may be speaking too soon. Things can change in three weeks. My plane to Portland could crash on Memorial Day. I could contract swine flu and die... by sneezing when I'm putting in my contacts, causing me to impale my brain on my finger, because that's the only way for a moderately healthy human to die from that overhyped shit.

But as of today, my plan for Saturday, May 30 is to drive most or all of the way to San Antonio and retrieve my little girl.

No, not that adorable human baby. I'm talking about the gorgeous brindle daddy's girl on the right.

It's been five+ years since I've had custody, and the stars have willed that I have her again. Long story. And none of your business.

Here she is again about to lick a cat to death.

You people are in for it now.

The Colonel Is (Was) Missing

2009-05-07T09:57:00.005-05:00

(from the archives)

February 23, 1985
LOUISVILLE, Ky. —— Less than five years after his death, the chicken-fried corpse of Harland "(The) Colonel" Sanders was stolen last night from his heavily seasoned coffin in what police are calling an old-fashioned, finger-licking body-snatching.

The grave robbers released a photo (below) of The Colonel's body with a note demanding a ransom of a bucket of original $100 bills, a bucket of crispy $100 bills and a family-sized order of mashed potatoes.

More details to follow.

UPDATE: The body has been found in a Japanese river. See this story for a picture and info.

WE DID IT!!!

2009-04-18T12:18:00.005-05:00

We've secured Iraq!!!! Let freedom fucking ring!

After six-plus years and who cares anymore how many deaths, we've achieved the success in Iraq that Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Cheney, Perle, Feith and Kristol promised us. And you people doubted these brilliant men. Well, I'll be the first to pitch in for the Mt. Rushmore-style monument that is sure to come.

This New York Times article documents all the signs of a free and happy nation: gambling, booze, hookers and cockfights. Why do you think the most joyous places on Earth are Indian casinos and Civil War-era cockfight reenactments? (Those goddamn roosters are sticklers for costume detail.)

Here's Bill Kristol laying out the plan to win the peace in Iraq before the war:

OLD PEOPLE and how to deal with them

2009-04-16T19:53:00.007-05:00

I've said it a million times: Do NOT empower the elderly.

Because when you do, THIS is what happens.

Now them old motherfuckers gonna be shooting kids off their lawns. Next thing you know, they're going to demand respect. And fuck if I'll be the one to give it to them.

In another age-related opinion, since it seems like that's what I'll be doing in this goddamn post, let me just say this: Women: wait, let me start over. Two colons in a row look weird. Let me just say this: Women, don't fuck with the aging process. It's going to be OK. Aging is what people do. Let nature slowly decompose us until our loose skin catches on a corner and pulls off us like the sheet on a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.

I mean, is this how you wanna go out? It's sooo not as cool as a heroin overdose. But hey, what is? Shit, I guess dying from injecting anything is cooler than most ways of dying.

I'm beginning to love Glenn Beck's show

2009-04-13T17:40:00.001-05:00

Something awesome happens every day!

Me? A CWB?

2009-04-12T18:02:00.004-05:00

Somehow earned the nickname CuntWhoreBitch from this shit-talkin' chick at the bar last night. Well, if a CWB has feelings, all of them are hurting right now.

For real though, there's something sexy about foul-mouthed women (see Sarah Silverman).

What are you doing? I said, see Sarah Silverman, goddammit. Do I have to hold your fucking hand and lead you around like a show pony? AAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!! Ponies don't have hands. See what you've done? Just leave me alone.

Things I done did and will accomplish today

2009-04-11T13:53:00.005-05:00

DONE DID ACCOMPLISH

1. Wash car
2. Grocery store
3. Laundry
4. Eat something delicious
5. Pay bills
6. Finish reading book; start new one
7. Watch a movie
8. Catch up on Friday Night Lights
9. Shower
10. Have first beer

WILL ACCOMPLISH

1. Drink 8-10 more beers
2. Five or so shots of whiskey
3. Punch someone for looking at me funny
4. Hide my car in an alley until the cops drive by
5. High-tail it home on the backstreets
6. Run over the shrubs near the garage
7. Vomit in the crushed shrubs
8. Go inside and wipe the splashback off my shoes
9. Drunk text everyone in my cell
10. Pass out with a frozen pizza in the oven

Best Saturday ever.

Where did we go wrong?

2009-03-21T11:39:00.003-05:00

This country is falling apart. The government's freaking out over bonuses they knew were being paid to the fuck-ups at AIG. Geithner doesn't know how to fix the banks. Rush Limbaugh gets press coverage for his cocksuckery. People are trying to scalp tickets they got for free to the Jay Leno show in (or rather, near) Detroit even though the tickets were overpriced in the first place. The North Koreans are holding two of our least-known (and least-careful) journalists. Nobody watches Friday Night Lights but me, two of my friends and the critics. Gary Sinise writes columns for CNN.com. YouTube apparently took down my favorite Van Morrison performance. The Special Olympics are waging a war on the word "retard."

And if any new countries were formed or dissolved in the last seven years, I need to update my motherfucking globe.

That's it. I'm drinking all day.

Oh wait. Here's something right with the country: the great Alejandro Escovedo.

Tip o' the tweed cap to a nice save

2009-03-18T18:52:00.009-05:00

It was actually recommended to me in my annual performance evaluation at work that I be more social. I explained that I go to the bar every night as evidenced by all the dry heaving I do in the men's room each morning.

No dice. Turns out, I need to be more social at work so people will recognize me if they need to ask a copy editing question. Great. Meet people to let them know I'm the resident socially maladroit editor. Like there's anyone who can't spot copy editor types a mile away. With our pocket protectors, orthopedic shoes, inappropriate comments, awkward silences, Simpsons minutae and so forth.

But that still seemed like something I could at least think about working up the nerve to consider. And then a miracle happened: St. Patrick's Day. The happiest day of the year. Our office is apparently on notice from the parent corp. to watch unnecessary spending. So we didn't get the beer we thought was coming to us at the afternoon "party." Instead we all got a swift Irish kick to the nuts.

THEN... a hero emerged, took up a collection and made a beer run. We were drunk and dancing on our desks before the 5 o'clock whistle blew at 6.

Everybody's happy. We had a good start to the St. Patrick's Day evening. Alcohol was absorbed into the bloodstream. Stories were exchanged. Asses were photocopied. Typical unofficial office party shit. Plus, I accomplished a mother fucking career goal. Ya heard, bitches?

Excuse me while I type up my two weeks notice.

Lost my phone

2009-03-06T17:54:00.004-06:00

I lost my phone last week and bought a new one for hundreds of hard-to-come-by dollars. In the same week, I had other unexpected payments, including to the IRS, who think because I consider myself a liberal that I want to pay more tax instead of getting a return.

But I will have the last laugh. Someone found my phone. And I'm either faking my death or founding a church. I can you tell which I prefer.

Where've I been?

2009-03-06T17:47:00.002-06:00

Well, I'll tell you.

Right here.

I sign in to this blog several times a week.

But I get distracted.

By movies.

By beer.

By other projects.

By work.

By Twitter.

By news stories about Twitter.

By news stories about douchebag public officials who use Twitter.

By music.

By bars.

By healthy eating.

By unhealthy eating.

By dogs.

And whatever else there is in life.

For this blog exercise, I am a French bulldog

2009-02-22T12:37:00.006-06:00

Because I have no discernible musical talent, any time I step foot into a recording studio I pass the fuck out. And in this case, I had company: some dude asleep in a chair.

I suck

2009-02-21T09:25:00.003-06:00

Fate is against me. I've missed at least a half dozen Black Joe Lewis shows that I had easy access to. Why, oh, why can't I make this happen? Fuck it. I'll make a special trip to Austin when he gets back home to play. It's not like I have any other hobbies. Or a life whatsoever.

Here's a taste of what I can expect:

The end of an era

2009-02-20T09:31:00.002-06:00

It was only yesterday that I didn't share an office with my supervisor. I shared an office with a fellow Cubs fan and was preparing for April when we could pull up the ESPN Gamecast and pretend to work while watching the little dots round the bases. And today would have been Journey Friday. I don't know if I can justify listening to Journey by myself.

All good things come to an end before they begin. Wait. Is that a pro-life slogan? If not, I'm copyrighting it so they can't use it.

Now my former office mate is training the new guy, so our boss asked me to switch offices with the new guy, who was sharing the office with our supervisor. It all happened so fast and doesn't feel right. Like the first time I had sex. And the second. And the third. And the most recent.

It might be a good time to move to Austin. Gainful employment be damned. Goddamned.

Notes

2009-02-16T22:19:00.002-06:00

The all-new me starts Tuesday. I'm talking diet and exercise. And that's not all. I'm also going to eat better and be more active. ...
Actually, I guess that was all.

I made a cameo appearance in Austin this weekend. Coincidentally, former President Bill Clinton was also in town. One coincidence is that it was Presidents Day weekend, and I was voted "most likely to be President" when I was a senior in high school. But the main coincidence is that I work on the assembly line of a company that makes vagina-flavored cigars.

My roommate gets back Friday after a month-long absence to record with his band. I'll be glad when he gets back because I can give back the gun I borrowed from him. I wouldn't need the gun, but killing spiders by stepping on them doesn't always work if the spider is quick. Or the stepper is a slow, fat cracker.

I'm glad Sports Illustrated does a swimsuit issue because I like to keep up with fashion. But I wrote them a letter requesting that they not waste valuable pages on bodypainting and strategically placed sand dollars. Those are impractical ideas, and summer is too close around the corner to be fooling around.

Fuck all this. I'm going to bed.

Using the whole fist, Doc?

2009-02-12T19:21:00.003-06:00

High blood pressure. High cholesterol. Meds coming soon.

Heart ok. Lungs ok. One more thing to check out in a week or two.

Oh, and the prostate is ok. Now I know what it feels like for someone to put on a rubber glove, lube up a few fingers and shove them up so far inside that you can bite them off. I would like to apologize to all the people I victimized in the past. I now know that all surprises are not pleasant.

God, I feel traumatized. Maybe this will take my mind off that violating experience:

A word on prostate exams

2009-02-12T09:38:00.001-06:00

Uncool.

Give it to me straight, Doc

2009-02-11T20:54:00.005-06:00

Eleven hours from my second physical of the decade. The last one didn't go so well. The doctor said I need to change my lifestyle. And I did. Based on my own brand of medical science. I figure that if I'm eating unhealthy food, nothing would cut through the cholesterol and other poisons better than a detergent. And what's the best disinfecting detergent? Alcohol! So I increased my alcohol consumption from 4 days a week to every waking non-working hour. After further study, I'm not sure that was the best decision. Sure, I've got a lot of memories. Like that one time I got drunk and passed out and forgot everything I did. And then there was that other time I did that. And another time. Oh, I have so many memories of nights I forgot. Anyway, it will take some time to get the results back on my blood work, so I'm going on a 96-hour Presidents Day weekend bender that will cover the state of Texas from Denton to Dallas to Austin. Then I'll return to this blog with a slew of stories I will have forgotten. Cheers.

Here's a blog entry

2009-02-10T20:00:00.003-06:00

For some reason, a year later and after many months of sitting on the shelf, the Vampire Weekend album is really growing on me.

But that's not why we're here today. We're here to start the 1.5-day countdown to my physical. I predict I'll be put on various meds, be told to avoid delicious foods and mind-altering beverages, and then given six weeks to live. If that happens, I'm selling all my CDs, including Vampire Weekend, and taking up a wildly expensive heroin habit. I'm talking about some shit handmade by the Taliban themselves. In between highs, I'll relaunch my research into a long-range rifle that can shoot angels and deities out of Heaven. So far, I can shoot only as far as the moon. But I think that's pretty good for a half-wit.

Car hole

2009-02-07T14:32:00.001-06:00

Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.

2009-02-07T14:10:00.003-06:00

I'm going for my once-a-decade physical on Thursday. I know I have high cholesterol because I've had it for 10 years and ain't done nothin' about it. I know I have high blood pressure because my dentist(!) takes my BP every six months, and it's been high for over a year. I assume I have prostate cancer because I have what old-man prostate-medication commercials call "increased urgency." I also have a lump in my chest that I'm pretty sure is not love-related.

So here are my short-term life goals:

1. Survive to see the April 5 Springsteen concert in Austin. If he pulls me onstage to dance, I can die immediately after that song and be happy.

2. Survive to complete the rockumentary my friend MWing and I are producing about the defunct rock band Bigloo. But if I don't make it, I'm counting on you, my loyal readers, to make sure MWing doesn't leave me out of the credits when he finishes the film. That guy can't be trusted. More than a few of his past filmmaking partners have mysteriously disappeared from the film credits. And from this Earth.

3. Survive to spend at least two weeks gloating about the Longhorns football team winning a national championship next January.

4. Survive until January 2011 to gloat about back-to-back championships.

5. Survive until December 21, 2012, so we can all die together at the end of the world.

But again, Springsteen is the most important thing on the list. His music will probably cure what ails me. Until then, enjoy my life story:

Twitter

2009-02-07T12:46:00.005-06:00

So I'm trying out this Twitter thing at the behest of my friend Chad. I'm still skeptical, although I've found a couple friends from my college newspaper days. Not to mention burgeoning comedian BG, who you might recognize from the performance below.

So Twitter is a way for people to know what you're thinking at any given moment. I expected it to be a brain implant that siphoned my thoughts and zapped them up to a satellite and back down to all of your brain chips. But apparently, I have to go online and type stuff. Like here, but shorter.

Supposedly, you can update your Twitter site using text messages, but my phone doesn't want to cooperate. My phone is much cooler than me. While I'm writing blogs and Twitters, it's out riding Harleys and getting laid.

If you're on Twitter, I go by the name surlyz. Because I'm surly. And getting surlier by the second. For I have only begun to surl.

Anyway, here's that performance. I hope you like sexy stories about cat rape.

LATE UPDATE
BG removed the cat rape video because the higher-ups at his company may be cat rapists and not amused by such jokes.

As promised, the great Bill Hicks

2009-01-31T09:19:00.002-06:00

Recorded October 9, 1993. Broadcast on The Late Show last night, January 30, 2009:

Thank you, David Letterman

2009-01-30T23:34:00.002-06:00

A man can't always atone for his sins. But I think Dave did his best Friday night by showing the Bill Hicks performance that was banned from the Late Show in October 1993. Dave brought on Bill's mother and offered a genuine, soulful apology and took sole blame for the decision that hurt and humiliated the brilliant comedian who would die a few short months later from pancreatic cancer at age 32.

I love David Letterman and Bill Hicks, so it was an emotional moment of closure after years of bitterness that, really, only Bill's family and fans remember. But it was important.

I hope to post the performance later. Here's Bill talking about being censored. Ignore the public access host.

As Chris Rock said, "Life is long."

2009-01-30T19:04:00.004-06:00

I've accomplished nothing in my life. I don't plan on accomplishing anything. I've been sick for two and a half days now, and I'm fucking miserable. If all I have to look forward to is occasional illness and a dying carcass, I'm not interested.

I still get a small kick out of the little things in life: Blackwater losing its contract in Iraq, the return of Friday Night Lights even though this is probably the last season, watching old people slip and break their hips after the ice storm we had this past week, mentally toying with the nonexistent recipe to my not-world-famous chicken-fried rolls with a gravy center, and women with low self-esteem.

But is that enough? Are those good enough reasons to keep plodding along in this world?

Maybe if some of the rolls have cream gravy and some have brown gravy...

Goddamn Dems

2009-01-30T18:43:00.003-06:00

Why can't they pay their taxes? First Geithner, now Daschle. We're trying to get a Cabinet in place here, people! And what's with Daschle's glasses?

Side note: During one of the three times I went jogging when I lived in DC, I crossed paths with Tom Daschle. I gave him a nod, and he gave me the finger. It was shortly after he'd been ousted from office, so I'm sure he was bitter toward humanity.

Side note correction: He didn't give me the finger. But I'm not sure if he nodded back or even made eye contact. And that's just rude.

Banned in the U.S.A.

2009-01-29T17:35:00.005-06:00

This is from a news story I kept after September 11. It's a list of all the songs Clear Channel temporarily banned from it's more than 1,000 radio stations. Normally, I'm all for keeping Dave Matthews and Bush off the airwaves. But I thought this was silly at the time, as crushed and distraught and depressed and angry as I was at the tragedy I watched live on TV.

This is a reminder of the irrationality that comes with fear.

''Bodies'' - Drowning Pool
''Death Blooms'' - Mudvayne
''Dread and the Fugitive Mind'' - Megadeth
''Sweating Bullets'' - Megadeth
''Click Click Boom'' - Saliva
''Boom'' - P.O.D.
''Seek and Destroy'' - Metallica
''Harvester of Sorrow'' - Metallica
''Enter Sandman'' - Metallica
''Fade to Black'' - Metallica
All songs by Rage Against the Machine
''Head Like a Hole'' - Nine Inch Nails
''Bad Religion'' - Godsmack
''Intolerance'' - Tool
''Blow Up the Outside World'' - Soundgarden
''Fell on Black Days'' - Soundgarden
''Black Hole Sun'' - Soundgarden
''Shot Down in Flames'' - AC/DC
''Shoot to Thrill'' - AC/DC
''Dirty Deeds'' - AC/DC
''Highway to Hell'' - AC/DC
''Safe in New York City'' - AC/DC
''T.N.T.'' - AC/DC
''Hells Bells'' - AC/DC
''War Pigs'' - Black Sabbath
''Sabbath Bloody Sabbath'' - Black Sabbath
''Suicide Solution'' - Ozzy Osbourne
''Holy Diver'' - Dio
''Jet Airliner'' - Steve Miller Band
''Jump'' - Van Halen
''Another One Bites the Dust'' - Queen
''Killer Queen'' - Queen
''Hit Me With Your Best Shot'' - Pat Benatar
''Love Is a Battlefield'' - Pat Benatar
''Dead Man's Party'' - Oingo Boingo
''It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)'' - R.E.M.
''Burning Down the House'' - Talking Heads
''Some Heads Are Gonna Roll'' - Judas Priest
''Run Like Hell'' - Pink Floyd
''Mother'' - Pink Floyd
''Crash and Burn'' - Savage Garden
''Crash Into Me'' - Dave Matthews
''Walk Like an Egyptian'' - Bangles
''My City Was Gone'' - Pretenders
''Ironic'' - Alanis Morissette
''Falling for the First Time'' - Barenaked Ladies
''Bad Day'' - Fuel
''St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)'' - John Parr
''When You're Falling'' - Afro-Celt Sound System with Peter Gabriel
''Dust in the Wind'' - Kansas
''Stairway to Heaven'' - Led Zeppelin
''A Day in the Life'' - The Beatles
''Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds'' - The Beatles
''Ticket To Ride'' - The Beatles
''Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da'' - The Beatles
''Knockin' on Heaven's Door'' - Bob Dylan and Guns n' Roses
''Fire'' - Arthur Brown
''Burnin' For You'' - Blue Oyster Cult
''Live and Let Die'' - Paul McCartney & Wings
''Hey Joe'' - Jimi Hendrix
''Doctor My Eyes'' - Jackson Brown
''Crumblin' Down'' - John Mellencamp
''Paper in Fire'' - John Mellencamp
''Sunday Bloody Sunday'' - U2
''Smokin'' - Boston
''Only the Good Die Young'' - Billy Joel
''Eve of Destruction'' - Barry McGuire
''(Na Na Hey Hey) Kiss Him Goodbye'' - Steam
''On Broadway'' - Drifters
''Johnny Angel'' - Shelley Fabares
''Black is Black'' - Los Bravos
''I Go To Pieces'' - Peter & Gordon
''A World Without Love'' - Peter & Gordon
''(You're the) Devil in Disguise'' - Elvis Presley
''She's Not There'' - Zombies
''Bennie and the Jets'' - Elton John
''Daniel'' - Elton John
''Rocket Man'' - Elton John
''Great Balls of Fire'' - Jerry Lee Lewis
''Evil Ways'' - Santana
''Get Together'' - Youngbloods
''The Boy From New York City'' - Ad Libs
''Blowin' in the Wind'' - Peter, Paul and Mary
''Leaving On a Jet Plane'' - Peter, Paul and Mary
''Ruby Tuesday'' - Rolling Stones
''Shattered'' - Rolling Stones
''Bridge Over Troubled Waters'' - Simon and Garfunkel
''See You in September'' - Happenings
''I Feel the Earth Move'' - Carole King
''In the Year 2525'' - Zager and Evans
''Spirit in the Sky'' - Norman Greenbaum
''The Worst That Could Happen'' - Brooklyn Bridge
''When Will I See You Again'' - Three Degrees
''Peace Train'' - Cat Stevens
''Morning Has Broken'' - Cat Stevens
''Dead Man's Curve'' - Jan and Dean
''Nowhere to Run'' - Martha & The Vandellas
''Dancing in the Street'' - Martha & The Vandellas and Van Halen
''He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother'' - Hollies
''Wonderful World'' - Sam Cooke and Herman's Hermits
''A Sign of the Times'' - Petula Clark
''American Pie'' - Don McLean
''Last Kiss'' - J. Frank Wilson (and recently done by Pearl Jam)
''That'll Be the Day'' - Buddy Holly and the Crickets
''Imagine'' - John Lennon
''Mack the Knife'' - Bobby Darin
''Rock the Casbah'' - The Clash
''Wipeout'' - Surfaris
''And When I Die'' - Blood, Sweat & Tears
''Bits and Pieces'' - Dave Clark Five
''Disco Inferno'' - Tramps
''The Night Chicago Died'' - Paper Lace
''New York New York'' - Frank Sinatra
''Travelin' Band'' - Creedence Clearwater Revival
''You Dropped a Bomb On Me'' - Gap Band
''Smooth Criminal'' - Alien Ant Farm
''Duck & Run'' -- 3 Doors Down
''The End'' - The Doors
''Jumper'' - Third Eye Blind
''America'' - Neil Diamond
''Fly Away'' - Lenny Kravitz
''Free Fallin''' - Tom Petty
''I'm On Fire'' - Bruce Springsteen
''I'm Goin' Down'' - Bruce Springsteen
''In the Air Tonight'' - Phil Collins
''Rooster'' - Alice In Chains
''Sea of Sorrow'' - Alice In Chains
''Down in a Hole'' - Alice In Chains
''Them Bones'' - Alice In Chains
''Sure Shot'' - Beastie Boys
''Sabotage'' - Beastie Boys
''Fire Woman'' - Cult
''Santa Monica'' - Everclear
''Hey Man, Nice Shot'' - Filter
''Learn to Fly'' - Foo Fighters
''Falling Away from Me'' - Korn
''Aeroplane'' - Red Hot Chili Peppers
''Under the Bridge'' - Red Hot Chili Peppers
''Bullet with Butterfly Wings'' - Smashing Pumpkins
''Chop Suey'' - System of a Down
''End of the World'' - Skeeter Davis
''Travelin' Man'' - Ricky Nelson
''Have You Seen Her'' - Chi-Lites
''We Gotta Get Out of This Place'' - Animals
''Rescue Me'' - Fontella Bass
''Devil With the Blue Dress'' - Mitch Ryder and Detroit Wheels
''Fire and Rain'' - James Taylor
''War'' - Edwin Starr and Bruce Springsteen
''Tuesday's Gone'' - Lynyrd Skynyrd
''Break Stuff'' - Limp Bizkit
''Brain Stew'' - Green Day
''Say Hello 2 Heaven'' - Temple of the Dog
''Fly'' - Sugar Ray
''When It's Over'' - Sugar Ray
''Bound for the Floor'' - Local H
''Left Behind, Wait and Bleed'' - Slipknot
''Speed Kills'' - Bush
''Down'' - 311
''Big Bang Baby'' - Stone Temple Pilots
''Dead and Bloated'' - Stone Temple Pilots
''99 Luftballons'' - Nina
''No Smoke Without a Fire'' - Bad Company

I'm going down

2009-01-29T17:14:00.004-06:00

I lay on the couch cocooned in a blanket. Alternating between feverish shivering (illness) and euphoric weeping (Springsteen live on the television machine), I tried to decide if I was delirious. I couldn't come to a conclusion.

The only thing I knew for sure: Next time I get sick, I'm hiring a cool-skinned lady to caress my forehead and fetch me water. What's the going rate for that anyway?

Wrong again, Zod

2009-01-28T09:40:00.005-06:00

Despite the company-wide salary freeze at my office (I blame the overproduction of zinc for the nation's economic decline), we still had individual job-performance evaluations.

I got generally glowing reviews. Which means they haven't discovered the troop of monkeys I keep in the building's basement to do my editing work for me.

But the one comment in the report that when read right can apply to all facets of my life was "can make a good decision when necessary."

I prefer to put a little emphasis on "can" with an implied "but" at the end and maybe a "sure" at the beginning so that it's:

"Sure, he can make a good decision when necessary, but..."

For instance, I left uncooked ground beef in the fridge for over a month. I wanted tacos last night, but the beef didn't look right. There, at that moment, I was on the cusp of a good decision: Dispose of the rotting ground beef. Instead, I doused it in anti-bacterial kitchen cleaner for an hour before rinsing and cooking.

Did I get sick? You betcha. Real sick. I'm currently on life support in ICU. Originally, I wanted to write this as a public service announcement à la Yul Brynner.

Except that I picture myself more as the Steve McQueen of food poisoning.

Tainted beef is the thinking man's food with the eating man's taste.

The Fist Couple... I mean, First Couple

2009-01-24T08:04:00.006-06:00

Hey, whatever they're into, man. I can dig it. But I feel some things are on a need-to-know basis.

Yes we can. I guess.

2009-01-20T21:14:00.003-06:00

I'm finding hard to believe the past eight years is actually and finally behind us. Thinking about all the things that were wrongfully inflicted on this country dampened the exuberance I experienced this morning. What if today is the best day we'll have for the next four, eight, 50 years? What if we're in too deep a hole? And there's nothing like the global celebration of a fellow human ascending to the most powerful position in the world to make me feel like I've wasted my life. I haven't done anything, nor do I expect to do anything with my remaining years.

The only silver lining to my nothingness that I can think of right now is that I could have ascended to the most powerful position in the world and been this guy:

He should thank his lucky stars that history remembers his buffoonery more than his war crimes.

Good fucking riddance.

R.I.P. Urethra

2009-01-20T14:23:00.004-06:00

I predicted this. I said, "This has the potential to be very, very bad." And I nailed it. I'm demanding that I be put in charge of inauguration entertainment from now on. I wouldn't pick an act who has lost it. I mean really lost it. For fuck's sake, she says "My cunt... tree 'tis of thee... ." Now I can't stop imagining what it looks like.

Happy Obama Day!

2009-01-20T08:55:00.003-06:00

Join me for mimosas, bloody marys and a champagne toast this morning as we celebrate a new day and the true New Year. We will watch live coverage of the inauguration and party like it's 10 years past 1999 (pour some out for the stillborn Y2K, y'all). Plus, I've got movies on standby (waving just to say hi) in case Biden starts ad libbing his oath of office.

Then we're all going streaking downtown. Just like the prophets foretold.

Fleetwood Mac Daddy

2009-01-20T08:48:00.003-06:00

First, let's dispel all the rumors from Saturday night.

Rumor: We had a party at the house.
Status: True. We did. It lasted until 5:30 a.m.

Rumor: I was wasted on whiskey, sick and passed out by 10:45 p.m.
Status: True. I went overboard. Maybe smoked something I shouldn't have. I was spinning right round, baby, right round, like a record, baby. Right round round round.

Rumor: I don't know the meaning of "dispel."
Status: It means "legitimize a rumor." Right?

The morning after

2009-01-06T07:32:00.002-06:00

7:30 a.m., January 6, 2009

I fucking love football.

Halftime

2009-01-05T20:51:00.001-06:00

8:48 p.m. January 5, 2009

I fucking hate football.

Elvis and the Costellos

2009-01-01T12:27:00.005-06:00

I don't have to tell you people.

Well... yes, I probably do. If you'd get off the computer every once and awhile, I wouldn't have to.

Elvis Costello is doing great interviews about music with various icons who know their shit (so far, Elton John, Lou Reed, Bill Clinton, James Taylor, Tony Bennett). And there are several performances in each episode.

This is one of my favorites:

The series is called Spectacle, and it's on the Sundance Channel.

Wait, 2008, I'm not done!

2009-01-01T08:45:00.003-06:00

I've barely been out in public since Thanksgiving. I had every intention of living it up the last two days of December, but when the time came, I chose to watch TV and movies at home. So should I party at home alone all day today to start off the new year right? Or go running and eat healthy food to start off the new year like a goddamn pussy?

Forget all that. Here are the notable moments from 2008:

Barack Obama
My liberal guilt has been cleansed from my soul now that black people will have the chance to enslave us whites.

Chinese Democracy
After a full month of nonstop listening, I think I finally burned out on this album. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the greatest album of all time. Wait. I think that was the lie. But for real, I dig it, and I'm glad I lived to see the clusterfuck that is the new Guns n' Roses disc.

Bigloo, R.I.P.
After 12 years and as many as 15 shows, my friends' band finally called it quits. If those guys hadn't been around to write songs, it would probably mean that someone invented a time machine to go back and abort them in the womb. That person must be stopped.

Sarah Palin
Speaking of stopping abortions...
2008 was the year of the woman. The confident (Hillary). The beautiful (that chick who bent over at the bar last month and wasn't wearing a bra). And, of course, Gov. Palin. She embodied the most important quality we think of when we think of women: that Republican chicks are really good in the sack.

Concerts, concerts, concerts
I saw Springsteen, Radiohead, Chris Rock, Tom Petty, My Morning Jacket, Van Halen, Tom Waits, Nick Lowe, The Hold Steady, Wolf Parade and fuckload of others. I regret missing The Cool Kids (twice) and Q-Tip. It wasn't a race thing, I promise. But to make up for it, I will only go to black shows in 2009. Scratch that. I've already dealt with my liberal guilt. So I'll just see black music in February, like everyone else. Hang on... it's not a leap year, is it? No? Whew! Twenty-nine days would be excessive.

My health
I survived my first cancer scare and the common cold. Now I think I have an enlarged prostate. But because 2008 was the year of my health and I didn't go to the doctor before the new year, I will have to ignore my prostate until 2010. My prostate knew it was in a race against the clock, and it lost. Sucks to be it.

So, hooray for 2009! Ten years ago, I was starting my first post-college job at a newspaper. Ten years from now, I hope to be bionic. Or just generally unstoppable.

Notes on the week

2008-12-20T10:59:00.003-06:00

I successfully wore untied shoes every day with no inconvenience, no tripping, no getting knocked out of my shoes like Charlie Brown on the pitcher's mound or that dead kid by the railroad tracks in Stand By Me. My feet don't get claustrophobic, and in the mornings I can jump into them both feet at a time. I get to the office up to 30 seconds sooner than before. It's a modern-day miracle of efficiency and expediency.

I slept approximately 15 hours on the couch over six days. That can only mean one thing: I'm getting old. If I can't watch TV and stay awake for a whole show, I need to skip right over marriage and kids and go straight to being a grandfather. I'll start by driving with my turn signal on for 15 miles and gradually ease my way into tipping no more than 15% down to the penny on my meals out (fixed income, yo!). Of course, it's more appropriate to fall asleep sitting up in a recliner, but I'm working with what I've got. I used to sleep on the couch all the time in college, but that was because I was drunk and stoned most days. Now, however, I'm... well... hmmm... I... ummm... maybe I'm not elderly after all.

What up with the furor caused by Obama choosing the Rev. Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the inauguration next month? Sure, Warren hates the gays and probably never pressured his girlfriends to have abortions. But is that all it takes to get the liberals up in arms? It's just a traditional formality, and the good reverend represents an increasingly irrelevant mythology. But nobody's bitching about our next president being sworn in by a man who prays to a silly symbolic space creature.

Speaking of space creatures, I have nothing to add to the first part of this sentence.

It's Saturday, so I'm going to spend the day getting things done. Like watching movies and taking a nap. Maybe on the couch. The day has limitless potential.

Christmas cheer

2008-12-16T20:20:00.002-06:00

I'm outrageously angry with all of you who haven't seen the Colbert x-mas special.

It will be on Comedy Central again, but go fucking buy the DVD. And buy the soundtrack on iTunes to have at work and in your car.

I guess I will bless you with a taste of the brilliance.

This one says all the things I've always wanted to say to you about x-mas:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: John Legend

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Earth, space, rockets and whatnot

2008-12-15T20:25:00.005-06:00

Watch this shit on full screen. This is what my friend Spaceman DC described as "video from the perspective of a solid rocket booster: separation, re-entry, and then it hits the ocean."

It's fairly trippy and scary if you think you'd be afraid of plunging through Earth's atmosphere like I am.

The real action starts around the 1:50 mark. Then things get crazy again at 4:35.

Punch drunk

2008-12-15T20:08:00.004-06:00

I'm in the process of deciding if I should think about getting a heavy bag for the garage. I'm not into boxing or anything. But sometimes I just want to hit something for 15 minutes or so. And I love working out!!!

But the real reason is that I want to learn to work through my stress and aggression by punching something. Why should married guys get to have all the fun?

Hey, it's like black people using racial slurs on black people. I saw spousal abuse firsthand when I was a child, so I can make that joke.

Also, I punch like a dead boxing kangaroo. So there's no legitimate threat.

Finally, a funny shoe. Because the comic strip Shoe sucks male sex organ

2008-12-15T19:34:00.005-06:00

So how 'bout that President Bush? Eh?... Eh?

Did ya hear this? Did ya read about this? Seems that an Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at the lame-duck leader of the free world. Talk about [insert jokey joke joke here]!!!

But seriously, it gives a whole new meaning to [hilarious shoe-related pun, ha ha ha]. This guy knows what I'm talking about. It's like if [famous douchebag] had a baby with [B-list has-been hack]. I wonder what that baby would sound like. I bet it would sound a little something like this: WAAAAAAA WAAAAAA WAAAAAAA!!!! See... because it's a baby.

Thank you. You've been a great audience.

I cribbed that bit from that one dude who makes with the laugh-laugh. But for reals, I'm astounded by Bush's reflexes. The cushy life ain't slowed him down none, no how. All these years of dumbass decisions and treasonous behavior, and then it turns out we got a ninja for a president. He shoulda fought the war in Iraq himself. He coulda made that Matrix bullet-dodging shit cool again.

But on a personal note, the unsung story of this, uh, story is the accuracy of the shoe throws by the Iraqi. It's personal because I don't think I could come that close to a target like he did, even at close range. A baseball is hard enough for me to throw without looking silly, but a shoe? And two shoes in rapid succession? That can be wildly unpredictable. What if a shoelace catches on my finger at the last second? The shoe could whip around and kick me in the crotch. Or hit an innocent bystander. Or maybe I'd leave a motherfucking footprint right on the forehead of the Great Satan himself. Ohhh snap!

But I wouldn't bet on that.

Old yeller

2008-12-09T17:48:00.005-06:00

Yesterday morning on my way to work, traffic came to a standstill. Three lanes of inertia. Except for the HOV lane. I was in the middle lane. I noticed a car two vehicles up in the left lane make a move for the HOV lane.

Glass and plastic exploded across the interstate. After the impact, one car sat facing traffic. One was crushed into the median. A third car sat askew about 50 feet down the road. Suddenly the traffic ahead was gone. I shook my head as if I had been in the wreck. People jumped out of their cars and ran to help the drivers who were surely injured. I froze for a second, then reached for my cell and dialed 911. Someone had beaten me to it said the operator, so I led the cars behind me around the crash and drove to work.

I question my reaction. Why did I not get out and check on the wounded? Why was I not first to call 911? Maybe I don't measure up as a human. I already know I'm not a nice or good person overall, but I'd like to think I would react sufficiently, if not heroically, in a crisis.

I planned to spend this weekend soul searching, but it's my weekend with the kids and we're going to the movies. They want to see the Christmas film Frost Nixon. Sounds like a light-hearted holiday romp where a snowman becomes president or something. But I haven't read anything about it.

Class acts

2008-12-07T08:29:00.005-06:00

Classy Bob Stoops did it again by classily tacking on 21 points in the fourth quarter after already putting away Missouri by the half. Running up the score game after game is what class is all about.

And the Sooner fans, as usual, really classed it up with their anti-Mack Brown and down-horns signs.

Yes, OU truly is a classy institution. But that's what we've all come to expect from our republic's classiest state.

WE DID IT!!!!

2008-12-06T09:58:00.004-06:00

We finally got O.J.!!!

I don't know about where you live, but here in the white neighborhoods of Texas, we rioted and burned overturned cars (which we ourselves had overturned).

And all we had to do was lull him into a false sense of security by electing a black president.

You don't think Obama won Virginia and North Carolina based on his merits as a candidate or this alleged economic downturn, do you? Those states wouldn't vote for a black president even if he promised them reparations for the 40 acres and a mule their forefathers never quite had to give up. Or promised to legalize Mexican slaves.

We had almost lost hope. We tried getting O.J. on back taxes. We came close to tricking him in to assaulting someone with a golf club. At our most desperate, we even tried framing him for stealing DirecTV. But that just shows lack of vision. I mean, we really had our spirits broken after the acquittal for double homicide. We were sure we had picked the best of the best in the LAPD to plant the evidence. "No white woman will ever marry another black man!" we sang prematurely.

Alas, we didn't know what was in store for us. The Goldmans' civil suit served to buy us some time, but we just came up blank. The real human tragedy of the whole affair is poor Peter Lupus. The original Norberg from the Police Squad! series suffered humiliation after humiliation as Zucker, Abrahams and Zucker continued to crank out Naked Gun sequels with a black ex-athlete in the role Lupus originated on the small screen.

But now if they, or maybe the Wayans brothers, decide to make a fourth Naked Gun, the 70-something Lupus will be restored to his former glory.

And as for the black president, four years will fly by. Then the Huckabee/Palin ticket will swoop in to save white America.

Or failing that, we'll frame Obama for the murders of Hillary and her late lover Vince Foster.

How I know I'm going to win the lottery

2008-12-06T09:38:00.003-06:00

Large dollar amounts in the Texas lottery are won only by ugly people.

You can go on the website to look at pics of some recent winners, and you will either end your gambling ways if you're beautiful or double down if you're not.

I'm investing my entire mid-month paycheck in the Mega Millions drawing. Then I can buy most people's perception of me.

And have everyone else killed.

Big Crock of Shit

2008-12-02T07:47:00.003-06:00

Texas got fucked. Not the good kind, like you by your favorite celebrity. But the disappointing and enraging kind, like you by me. Or in this case, UT by the BCS.

They ruined a great season and an Obama election and let a trashy school in a trashy state sneak in the back door.

Oh well. That douchebag coach and his team still have to live in Norman.

Chinese DeMOCKracy (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Gn'R Again)

2008-11-25T10:20:00.012-06:00

There’s nothing I can write about Chinese Democracy and Axl Rose that would be new or insightful. Most of the reviews have already savaged the pair, and Chuck Klosterman’s glowing A-minus review covered a lot of ground on both sides of the fence.

I was pretty taken aback through the first listen. My friend El Cento said he questions every artistic decision made on the album by W. Axl Lucas, a reference I take to mean “the ability to somehow overcook a half-baked idea” à la the newer Star Wars movies and the bane of my existence, the new Indiana Jones “film.”

And I agree with him. But something happened along the way...

I made no secret about my devious plan to purchase Chinese Democracy on the official release date. I’ve been a Guns n’ Roses fan for more than 20 years. Appetite for Destruction still ranks in my top five albums of all time. I even own The Spaghetti Incident? though it has been shelved for years.

So, yes, I went to the dreaded Best Buy at noon on Sunday to pick up the new album and spent the next 15 minutes with my jaw dragging on the ground. I had no idea what I was hearing. I felt like I had gone mad.

There are jarring moments and inexplicable sounds. Gone are the days of songs about getting fucked and fucked up. Nothing about burying a mouthy bitch in the backyard. Not a single threat to fight the editors and publishers of rock mags. Just songs about... well... I’m not sure.

But most disturbing is Axl’s voice. At times, it’s as good as Appetite-era Axl. And I would say that it’s far better than on either Use Your Illusion disc. On Illusion, Axl didn’t roar with Appetite anger; he whined nasally, as if he thought that’s what it took to elevate his singing into the pantheon of legendary vocalists. On Chinese Democracy, he’s got the roar back and then some.

What makes his voice so disturbing is that it shouldn’t be this good. I’m suspicious. There are songs with obvious vocal manipulation, done for effect. But a lot of the suspect moments come on songs sung straight. So why wouldn’t he manipulate it on every song that needs a high note normally unreachable by a forty-something-year-old who spent his twenties screaching and screaming on long tours? If Kanye West and Snoop Dogg can croon these days, why can’t studio-hermit Axl Rose trick up his voice too?

People who have seen the sporadic live shows over the past few years say that he still sounds great live. Maybe he does. And Jesus might have been the messiah.

Hey, I don’t blame him. It’s just weird. Remember in Superman III when the giant weather computer captures Robert Vaughn’s female co-villain and scarily transforms her into a robot-esque killing machine? I feel like the studio equipment Axl used was too advanced and eventually turned Axl into a host for it’s parasitic schemes. Either that or Axl died, was buried in a supernatural pet cemetery, clawed his way out of the grave and returned to the studio as good as new... yet... different somehow.

Add to that musicians like Buckethead and Brain, and you have the most terrifying band in history. Sorry, GWAR and Marilyn Manson.

The most reassuring aspect of Chinese Democracy is that Axl’s ego is intact. He makes sure you know that while 13 of the 14 songs were written with assistance from his musicians, he alone wrote the “lyrics n’ melodies” and produced his vocals.

I bought the album out of a healthy combo of morbid curiosity and band loyalty. I expected to listen once of twice and shelve it next to Spaghetti. But a funny thing happened: I got hooked. I can’t stop listening. At first, it was just fascination at the aural spectacle (if you will). Now I accidentally like some of the songs. I may even like a majority of the songs. I don’t understand it.

And frankly, I’m concerned.

But for now... Guns n' Fuckin' Roses are back!!!

P.S. If you wanted to cash in on the free Dr Pepper we were all supposed to get if Chinese Democracy came out this year, the offer ended Monday.

Predictions

2008-11-24T10:23:00.002-06:00

I’m a firm believer in the Big 12 being about either Texas or OU. Tech has no business pretending to be a quality team. We played like shit against them, and it still came down to the last second. IN LUBBOCK. I knew OU would beat them. I just had no idea it would be such a joke of a game.

So... here’s how it goes down from here:

Likely
Colt breaks his slump against A&M. Finally.
OU beats OSU on the road and goes to the Big 12 and the national championship game.

Possible
Colt breaks his slump against A&M. Finally.
OSU beats OU in Stillwater.
Tech goes to the Big 12 but can’t jump up enough to overtake #2 Texas. Texas goes to the national championship.

Preferable
Colt breaks his slump against A&M. Finally.
OSU beats OU in Stillwater.
Baylor baptizes Tech in the blood of the Lamb.
Texas goes to the Big 12 and the national championship, winning both and paving the way to back-to-back national titles, as originally predicted by the blog Wrong Again, Zod.

Disastrous
Colt takes another cheap shot on the chin from the cheatin’ Aggies and drops three straight to those racist, neo-Nazi rednecks.
Season over. No one gives a flying fuck about who wins what after that.

Note
Missouri could theoretically be a spoiler to whoever goes to the Big 12. But that ain’t gonna happen. They have three guys named Chase on their team, which is an embarrassment to the great sport of football.

Bonus trivia
My most hated teams in order are: A&M, Notre Dame, Tech, Baylor, Ohio State, OU.
I actually have respect for OU. Baylor made the cut because I lived in Waco briefly when I got out of college, and those guys skin cats, murder each other and hang nooses in trees every time the U.S. elects a black president.

Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam

2008-11-19T19:08:00.003-06:00

I've been eating a lot of buffalo products lately. I had a buffalo burger last week, and today I had a pizza made with buffalo cheese. Now I can't get enough. Friends are expecting me in Austin this weekend, but I will be at the Wichita Mountains harvesting my own buffalo. Of course, what we commonly call the buffalo is actually an American bison. But my stomach doesn't know shit about names. It would digest a bison fetus if I swallowed it. And I just might.

How to win an election

2008-11-07T11:55:00.002-06:00

From the Austin American-Statesman:

ESPN college basketball analyst Andy Katz told the “Mike and Mike in the Morning show” that he played basketball with Barack Obama on Tuesday afternoon as America was voting. (Obama regularly plays a few games on election day).

Katz told the guys that Obama walked into the Chicago gym where they played wearing a Texas Longhorns sweatshirt.

Anything new going on?

2008-11-06T09:36:00.005-06:00

Well, it's just another day in George Bush's America, and... What's that? We did what?

WE ELECTED THE BLACK GUY????!!!!

Holy shit, it worked. I sacrificed my superior UT Longhorns to the dreadfully overrated Texas Tech Red Raiders this past Saturday for an election victory, and it fucking worked!

As everyone knows, I've been listening to Rush Limbaugh almost every day to laugh, to angry up my blood, and to laugh angrily. At the top of his show the day after the election, I turned to Rush to see how gracious and conciliatory he would be, not to mention the excitement he must be experiencing to work in political talk radio during the historic year that America elected a black president.

And indeed, he was generous with his words:

'...and so today we're told, "We must be conciliatory, we must congratulate, and we must be gracious and so forth." Why? Beyond just being those things, why? Because we still think that it is important that we differentiate ourselves from the left. From what I saw today and from what I heard, the reason people want to go overboard congratulating Obama on the racial thing, the historical aspect of the first black president, is to send a message to the left, to send a message to the media. "Hey, we're not as bad as you think." As long as that motivation counts for what you do, and as long as the motivation for behaving a certain way is to try to convince people that already hate your guts that they ought to like you, you are going to fail every time. So we congratulate Obama. We recognize the historical nature. We also understand that more than him being black, he is a radical extremist who is not going to govern from the center. ... I do not want unity with President-Elect Obama!'

He then followed that up by asking what liberals are going to do now because their beliefs are based on hate and rage.

Rush is always good for a laugh.

McCain: Putting country first

2008-10-27T16:53:00.004-05:00

In the waning days of the 2008 election and with Obama maintaining a healthy overall lead, John McCain keeps unfiring up his supporters by saying, "We've got them just where we want them. We like being the underdog..."

Yes, McCain loves the thrill of losing. Frankly, I'm impressed with his campaign's ability to push Obama way out front. That's fucking teamwork.

Blogging is for the birds

2008-10-23T20:42:00.002-05:00

But I will return to my former glory soon.

Until then, enjoy some comedy.

McAsshole... too obscene?

2008-10-16T01:22:00.004-05:00

My opinion about the performance of the presidential candidates in the debates goes without saying. But I'll say it anyway. Frankly, I'm stunned at how badly Blinky McLizard* performed, especially in the debates where he was supposed to hit a home run (foreign policy and town hall).

So instead of pointing out how many lies McCain told in this debate and how he even mocked the "health" of a mother seeking an abortion (the quotes were McCain's, not mine), I offer this little bit of awkward hilariousness:

*My friend M.Wing coined the oh-so-appropriate nickname for the GOP candidate. If you question it, watch any clip of him at any time in any setting.

If only a whole team could be vice president

2008-10-14T23:06:00.003-05:00

And of course, you may remember that I pinned Obama's chances of being elected on one of two things: the Cubs winning the world series or Texas beating Oklahoma.

I'm not sure how the Cubs thing turned out. I think Major League Baseball players may have staged a strike and the season was canceled. I'm not sure. I haven't checked a newspaper in weeks. BUT... what I do know is that UT owned OU like a man owns a wife.

So while Obama's poll numbers have been solid and it may have looked like McCain was out of the race, the election wasn't really wrapped up until this past weekend.

Here's a small taste of what my 'Horns did to the Sooners:

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-13T21:49:00.003-05:00

I went to a lot of effort to win the big game. I flew to DC just so I could watch it in the bar where I watched almost every game of our national championship season. And it fucking worked.

The Longhorns are number fucking one. I'm a little dismayed that I wasn't welcomed back to Texas with a parade, but I've got more important things to worry about. Like winning out the rest of the season and getting cruel and unusual revenge on the neo-Nazis at A&M.

Truthfully, I can't take full credit for Saturday's astounding victory. My friend Chad and his wife gave birth to their second daughter last week. Every time they have a girl, we win a national championship. There's a bit of pressure on them because I plan on winning back-to-back championships. So they're gonna need to get pregnant again no later than March.

Also, I had a bet with my personal trainer. I had every intention of skipping the gym this week so I could drink every night, but now I have to go work out tomorrow so I can see my trainer wear a UT shirt and say that Colt McCoy is the greatest quarterback in the history of college football (we all know it's actually Vince, but we have to live in the moment).

Oh, and the best part about winning was walking around Capitol Hill after the game and people yelling congratulations from their cars or walking up and patting me on the back. That city knows how to show respect to a winner.

And I'm a winner. Heck, we're all winners this week. Our country finally did something right.

My archenemy

2008-10-09T22:23:00.002-05:00

I've decided Sean Hannity is my new archenemy (sorry, Tom Cruise). I shouldn't give him the attention, but I don't exactly have a wide readership, so fuck it. Hannity is poisonous, a liar, hateful, a bully, smug, stupid and totally douchey.

It's really not a challenge because he says disgusting shit for hours each day on his radio and TV shows. Some targets are too easy. But I like easy. Easy targets, easy tests, over-easy eggs... easy women (wink).

So here we go. A few choice Hannity-related clips. I will let you judge him for yourself. But if you judge him more positively than I do, you're an asshole.

Here's Hannity saying it was OK for McCain to cheat on his wife because he'd been a POW.

This is kinda funny because Hannity doesn't know who Sharpton is talking about but tries to act like he couldn't hear the question even after Colmes repeats it for him.

This one's really not fair. But it's silly, and it's growing on me.

Because I'm sleepy and want to save the even-better clips for the drawn-out, epic battle between the hero (me) and his newly crowned archenemy (Sean), here's one of Ron Paul supporters chasing Hannity.

Sean Hannity: Date Rapist... probably

2008-10-08T22:20:00.003-05:00

Sean Hannity cracks me up. I watch him more than I'd like to admit. His style of interviewing someone he disagrees with goes something like this: He leans in and rams accusations down a person's throat and demands an answer. Then when the person tries to answer, he talks over them in an attempt to cow the person into flustration (my coined word). He is completely unable to debate someone fairly. I know, I know... Hannity sounds a lot like O'Reilly. But here's the difference: O'Reilly has a superiority complex and projects his own feelings of inferiority onto his guests. Hannity is straight-up narcissistic and stupid, which is a dangerous combination. It's only fair to assume that Hannity is a date rapist. If that sounds like a leap in logic, just think back to the last person who date raped you and remember how many times that person looked in the mirror before the roofies kicked in. You get bonus points if that person was Sean Hannity.

So....

A quick bit of background on this clip. Hannity's Sunday evening show, the monarchically titled Hannity's America, featured a hit job on Obama that prominently featured notorious racist and anti-Semite Andy Martin (parading as an "author and journalist"), who said that when Obama was a community organizer, he "was in training for a radical overthrow of the government."

And here's a typical Andy Martin quote from one of the many frivolous lawsuits he's filed over the years (in this case bankruptcy): "I am able to understand how the Holocaust took place, and with every passing day feel less and less sorry that it did, when Jew survivors are operating as a wolf pack to steal my property."

Fantastic! A top-notch source for digging up the truth about Obama.

So...

There are two awesome things in this clip. The first is when Hannity calls himself a journalist. I laughed about through the first half of my Wednesday.

The second is when Sean Hannity makes an offer to Obama staffer Robert Gibbs.

Hannity says, "I'll make a deal with you. If Barack Obama admits that what he did by sitting on a board with, giving speeches with... [Bill Ayers]..."
And Gibbs interrupts, "You'll admit you're anti-Semitic?"

ZING! I laughed about that through the second half of my Wednesday.

I can't do it

2008-10-07T20:52:00.004-05:00

I was trying to watch tonight's debate, but I'm too goddamn nervous. I gave next month's rent to Barack Obama, and I feel like Tom Brokaw is sandbagging him a bit. And as old, frail, incoherent and awkward McCain appears on the stage, I'm afraid his campaign's ramped-up sleaze tactics are gonna prevail somehow.

So I'm taking a break to brainstorm bumper sticker ideas for my new business: a bumper sticker ideas business. I call it Ideas for Slogans That Go On Bumper Stickers, Inc. It took me a week to trim the name to something manageable.

Here's what I've got so far:

My other car is actually this car (because why do I need two cars?).

Copy editors do it using good grammar.

My boss is a Jewish carpenter named Saul Brooks.

Nobama is not a word, idiots.

It's a child, not a choice. Or is it?

If you can read this, have you read Where the Red Fern Grows? Good book.

Life's a bitch, and so are you. For real. I find you unpleasant. Bitch-like, if you will.

I'd rather be masturbating. Oh wait. I am.

My child is an honor student. He's on your daughter like... dammit. I fucked that up.

Hopelessness we can believe in

2008-10-06T23:05:00.006-05:00

I've been slacking on the blogging for a lot of reasons. For a bunch of reasons. For a herd of reasons. For a pack of reasons. For a horde of reasons. For a litter of reasons. For a covey of reasons. For a swarm of reasons. For a colony of reasons. For a pride of reasons. For a flock of reasons. For a school of reasons. For a pod of reasons. For a passel of reasons. For a brood of reasons. For a drove of reasons. For a warren of reasons. For a mob of reasons. For a murder of reasons.

Ah, that's the one. Murder. No, I didn't murder anyone. Yet. [I'm looking at you, Potential Murder Victim. You know who you are. Potentially.] But I do want to murder the people who decided WGN should be available via cable TV in Grandfield, Oklahoma, in the spring and summer of 1984, thus leading me, a second-grade graduate and Little League southpaw pitcher, to become obsessed with a little ol' team of disappointments called the Chicago Cubs. If somehow I can prove that the christian god was involved, I will murder him as well.

And in related news, at a rally in Florida, possible future vice president Sarah Palin was discussing dear-jesus-I-hope-future-president Obama's association with former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, when someone yelled out "Kill him!" Was the Palin supporter suggesting someone kill Obama or was he suggesting Ayers? Does it matter? McCain and Palin are attracting psychos. And not the keep-their-dead-mothers-in-a-rocking-chair-while-killing-the-occasional-passerby brand of psychos. These are the proactive ones who will jump at the chance to lynch a black man if Palin will just give them the go-ahead wink.

And now that I'm bringing my Cubs luck to the election, we could all be in trouble. If UT beats OU this weekend, everything could be saved. But if we lose... then, holy christ, you people need to get out and vote in droves. Herds. Swarms. Hordes. Coveys. Broods. Murders. Whatever.

wuf

2008-10-03T00:00:00.003-05:00

Fucking Cubs. I love them. But I fucking hate them.

?

2008-10-02T11:58:00.002-05:00

There's an empty lot that's more like a small field next to my office building. I work on the fourth floor, and I have a window. I'm looking out at the field right now. For reasons unknown to me, there's a Bob the Builder cutout standing in the field. He's staring at me.

Highway to Hell

2008-10-01T00:23:00.003-05:00

I missed my deadline to get in a bunch of blogs before October. I had a number set in my head. But then I filled my head with whiskey. Even though I was (am) sick.

So I'm going to go to sleep now. However, I feel like I need to say that AC/DC releasing an album exclusively through Wal-Mart is sicker than I am. They can now rank themselves amongst such suck-ass sellouts as The Eagles and Journey (but god, i love journey). The great, late, great-again Bon Scott never would have drunk himself to death if he'd known this could happen. But he would drink himself to death right now if this happened and he was still alive. I'm thinking about drinking myself to death out of respect for him.

Post-Bon AC/DC can rot in fuck.

R.I.P. Paul Newman

2008-09-27T10:01:00.002-05:00

Not that we didn't know it was coming. He was 83 for Christ's sake. But it sucks anyway.

Some of my (and everyone's) favorite Newman movies include:

The Long, Hot Summer
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
The Hustler
Hud
Cool Hand Luke
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Sting
Buffalo Bill and the Indians
Slap Shot
The Verdict
The Hudsucker Proxy

To name a few.

I've even got some of his goddamn salad dressing in my fridge.

Illness hath befallen me

2008-09-26T08:33:00.002-05:00

Where were all of you as I tossed and turned in my bed last night, alternating between convulsive chills and brain-cooking fever?

Your humble hero needs soup. You've got 15 minutes. Standing idly by is the same as murder. Maybe not in a court of law. But judgment will not be withheld when you testify before your god. He will loose the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword.

Don't run dry

2008-09-23T20:57:00.002-05:00

I spent the better part of a month on a rampaging bender until I saw a light far across the dark room and found my way out and onto a new path of decency, righteousness, progress and personal growth.

But I've spent the last few days trying to remember the specifics of this alleged new path, and I can't remember shit. So I'm giving it 48 more hours, and then it's whiskey river take my mind.

Speaking of benders, here are two guys who knew something about that. May god rest their drunken souls:

Living the dream

2008-09-21T13:37:00.003-05:00

Just saw this David Blaine headline on CNN.com:

Magician's next stunt could leave him blind

Oh my god, he's going to try to break the world record for continuous masturbation!!!

If he thinks I'm just gonna sit back and let him take the title from me, he's got another thing... coming.

News and notes

2008-09-20T13:22:00.006-05:00

1. I was going to donate to the Obama campaign, but I decided to use that money to lay down a bet. However, the bet is on his campaign. If he wins, I win, and then I'll split the winnings with him.

2. Turned on my TV to find myself graced with the unfortunate 2007 "film" Redline. How did they get A-list talent like Tim Matheson to sign on for this? Then I realized it's directed by the guy who did End Game, starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Angie Harmon, and all questions were answered.

3. I've done 'bout had enough of people seeing Jesus in things. Tortillas. Trees. Rabbit fur. And now, one of the dumbest things ever: a water stain on the ceiling of a weight-loss center. But it's not the stupid people who think they see Jesus who piss me off. It's the dumb-fuck news organizations that keep covering these non-stories. Personally, I see a fucking water stain on a ceiling tile. But if I really stretch my imagination, I see my great-uncle Chester touching me in places that made me cry when I was 7 years old. Of course, he told me he was Jesus too.

R.I.P. Bigloo

2008-09-19T09:59:00.003-05:00

First we lose Bernie Mac. Now we lose his musical equivalent, the WF/Dallas band Bigloo.

Sure they weren't as successful as Bernie Mac. But the people who heard them dug it.

And sure, they weren't as black as Bernie Mac. But I remember hearing some soul and hip-hop creep-creep-creeping into the mix.

And also sure, there really aren't any similarities between them and Bernie Mac. But... well... whose idea was it to compare them to Bernie Mac? I love Bernie Mac and all, but his comedy never got me laid. And while I'm not crediting Bigloo's music wholly (alcohol and my mid-20s beauty also contributed, though that was a long time ago), there's something about good rock 'n' roll that gets the ladies wet. Are ya with me, gals?

Forget it. Anyway, so long.

Finally, some good news about cell phones

2008-09-19T00:50:00.008-05:00

From a trusted news source:

(CNN) -- Keeping a cell phone on talk mode in a pocket can decrease sperm quality, according to new research from the Cleveland Clinic.

I hope those of you who I talk to on the phone enjoy talking to my crotch because I must attain sterility before the Cubs win the World Series.

For you see, when they do, I'm going on a fuck-spree.

Sarah Palin: The Sean Hannity Interview (Part II)

2008-09-19T00:50:00.004-05:00

And now, part two of the Fox News Channel exclusive interview, as broadcast Thursday, September 18.

Hannity: Softball.

Palin: Talking point.

Hannity: I said, Softball!

Palin: Dodge.

Hannity: Joke about Obama.

Palin: Giggle.

Hannity: Chuckle.

Palin: Good question, Sean.

Hannity: Out of context Obama quote that has long since been proved to be out of context.

Palin: Small towns.

Hannity: Now let's pretend to be casual and walk through this gigantic living room.

Palin: Hollow, vapid answer that viewers won't pick up on because they're distracted by us walking casually toward the camera in this gigantic living room.

Hannity: One more softball.

Panity: All of the talking points I haven't said yet. Oh, and I'd like to say "ruffle their feathers" one more time. We'll ruffle their feathers.

Hannity: Wow, what a revealing interview.

Goddamn pack of feral crickets...

2008-09-18T11:00:00.001-05:00

ate off my leg below the knee. And my apartment burned down.

A little trick I learned from Midnight Oil

2008-09-17T22:47:00.004-05:00

So this morning I got out of my first shower of the day (I take six) to find a cricket crawling on the side of my bed. Was it in the bed while I slept Tuesday night? Jesus, I hope not. Of course, I've had creepier things in my bed before (call me, Janine), but I still did the dance of a thousand shivers like a dog shaking off bath water.

Anyway, tonight I'm going in prepared. I've made an outline of my body on the bed with burning candles. If anything tries to get past the wall of flames, I'll be having breakfast in bed tomorrow.

Sarah Palin: The Sean Hannity Interview (Part I)

2008-09-17T20:49:00.008-05:00

At the top of the Hannity & Colmes show Wednesday night, American hero Sean Hannity declared, "No topic is off limits." He was of course talking about his interview with the Republican nominee for vice president, Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin. Hannity snagged the first cable interview with Palin since Sen. John McCain announced her as his running mate for the White House. Here now is the transcript of the first part of the two-part interview as broadcast on the Fox News Channel:

Hannity: Thank you, Gov. Palin, for being with us today.

Palin: Oh, it's my pleasure.

Hannity: Let's get right to it. You describe yourself as a reformer. What will you do to shake up Washington?

Palin: I'm a Washington outsider, and I'm proud of it. And I'm proud to be Sen. John McCain's partner. He is not afraid to ruffle feathers, and neither am I.

Hannity: Oh yeah. That's nice. Could you... could you say that again?

Palin: Which part?

Hannity: The feathers thing. But just say it about you. Don't say the other guy's name.

Palin: Oh, OK. I'm not afraid to ruffle feathers, Sean.

Hannity: Yeah. Oh yeah, that's it. I like when you say my name.

Palin: Sean, where is your right hand? I can't see it.

Hannity: I've only got one hand. Lost the other in a tragic... ummm... accident. Alan Colmes gnawed it off. He's a zombie corpse.

Palin: Now wait there, Sean. I shook your right hand when we met earlier for rehearsal. Is your hand... down your pants?

Hannity: Just give me a minute. Talk about how you stood up to your own party in Alaska.

Palin: You bet. I stand up to corruption wherever I see it. And I went in there knowing that I was going to ruffle some feathers, and--

Hannity: OH GOD! OH... OH... oh... oh, never mind. I thought that was it. Dammit.

Palin: Sean, I see what you're doing. It's no reason to be embarrassed. Would it help if I gave you a little tug? I've got a bottle of moose oil in my purse.

Hannity: No, that's alright. It's just not the same as it was with George W.

Palin: C'mon, Sean. I can be more to you than he ever could. You need a woman's touch.

Hannity: If I wanted a woman's touch, I'd let Geraldo Rivera suck me off again. I mean, I like the way the 'stache tickles, but...

Palin: I'm sorry, Sean. I'm really, really sorry.

Hannity: It's not your fault, Sarah. Thanks for trying. Let's move on...

Part two of this revealing and riveting interview can be seen Thursday night on Hannity & Colmes (9 p.m. ET). Check you local listings.

Unprovoked attack

2008-09-17T18:45:00.003-05:00

I heard a financial analyst on NPR talking about the risky mortgages that have led to a lot of this market failure going on right now. He said:

Nobody knows what's in these bundles of mortgages. And they have a very, very low value because nobody can open them up and figure out which ones are paying and which ones are not paying. It's like Superman trying to look inside of a box that's wrapped in lead. You just can't see inside.

Isn't this crisis bad enough without maligning the character of Superman? Who amongst us can see through a lead box? Financial analysts are assholes.

Animals unveiled

2008-09-16T23:58:00.004-05:00

Of course not every name listed in the last post was an actual animal. I hope you guessed what was what.

There were three actual animals, one foodstuff, something I think I got from Full Metal Jacket, one unappetizing slang for vagina, a completely made-up historical symbol, and an animal/verb.

Special thanks to El Cento for contributing another actual animal.

I wish there were more animal/verb combos. Wait, isn't there such thing as a "jizz"? No, I guess I'm thinking of the rarely seen Mexican Jizzing Ape.

But it's a truly magnificent creature to see in person. If you don't mind being drenched in ape jizz.

Actual animals that have dirty-sounding names

2008-09-16T10:50:00.003-05:00

Horny toad
Titmouse
Humpback whale
Spotted dick
Alabama black snake
Bearded clam
Egyptian wang
Swallow

Your contributions are welcome.

Putting the hole back in holy?

2008-09-14T17:32:00.004-05:00

When I was 7 years old, I used to really dig sneaking into the Baptist church in my hometown. I would spend a couple hours just walking around trying to not get caught.

During most of his tenure at that church, the preacher was fucking the organist. But I didn't understand what was going on. So I would hear them in his office or catch a glimpse of them spanking each other with hymnals in the choir loft.

For the better part of my childhood, I thought a prayer should sound something like "Oh God! Oh God, that feels so good! Please God, don't stop!" I mean, I really wanted God to inspire in me that kind of breathless bliss.

In 1983, I was asked to give the blessing at my family's Thanksgiving dinner. I have to assume everyone found it fairly shocking because it was the last time I was asked. And because we buried my great-grandmother two days later.

Speaking of porn...

2008-09-14T17:09:00.003-05:00

Because all you talk about is porn, I've been thinking about the upcoming Kevin Smith film, Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

So I was looking at the filmography of one of the movie's stars, adult film actress Katie Morgan. Porn titles fall into at least three categories. Here they are... with a few examples from Ms. Morgan's career. Gather the children for this important lesson.

Clever
Sex Trek: Where No Man Has Cum B4
Whore of the Rings 2
Space Nuts
Garden of Eatin'
I Cream on Genie
Spunk'd: The Movie
30 Days in the Hole
Hole Sweet Hole
Boy Meats Girl 3

Lazy/Get to the Point
Truly Nice Ass 2
Deep Throat This 22
Interracial Cum Junkies 3
Phat Ass Tits 3
Tongues and Twats 1
Big Titty Woman
Group Sex 5
Jessica Jaymes Loves Cock
Hot Blondes Rock My Cock
Dirty Movie

Somewhat Bewildering
Please... Play Hard with Me!
Here's the Thing About Young Chicks
Glamazon
Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre
Marey Carey for Governor
Sunny Lane is Built for Filth
God's Will: The Sex Factor
For Love, Money or a Green Card
Who's Killing the Pets?

Oh man, I hope they're not fucking the pets to death in that one.

I take my coffee black... like my women

2008-09-14T17:06:00.002-05:00

The porn store 30 minutes outside of Wichita Falls has a sign that says "Free Coffee." If you're a patron of this lovely shoppe, I hope you take your coffee black. Because you don't want the cream.

M.I.A.

2008-09-14T16:56:00.002-05:00

The fact that I've been on hiatus from writing this blog is probably apparently only to me. And by hiatus, I mean three-week bender. I seem to have a hole in my heart the size of a slightly smaller heart. And while exorbitant amounts of alcohol actually work to fulfill me in ways that friends, family, lovers, religion, education, hobbies, exercise and tattoos never could, exorbitant amounts of alcohol can also create a real, physical hole in your heart. One you can stick your finger through if you were to carve open your chest with a bone saw. So I will try to put down the caring, tender bottle and be more consistent in posting for all of my uncaring, stringy readers.

Speaking of The Man With Two Brains...

2008-08-25T20:51:00.002-05:00

and for no good reason:

What was your situation when you first noticed your symptoms?

2008-08-25T20:04:00.004-05:00

I dumb, but I'm not stupid. Well, that's not true. I'm pretty fucking stupid, but I not completely brain dead. That may not be true either. But I still know some of their tricks. I know the kinds of questions they ask and what they're looking for. I've seen it. I've heard it. I've read it. I know how to give them what they want, which is what they think I want. Or what they think I don't know that I want yet. They think I'll discover what they think I want by accident. By coming at it from an unexpected angle. Gradual epiphany. If that's possible. Reeducation. Retraining the brain. Learning about myself, as if I haven't asked myself every question ever created. They think the burden is on me to be honest and to trust them and be comfortable in their environment. But I'm only comfortable in my environment. And they're not welcome in my environment. If I can lie to myself and believe it, I can lie to them and not give a fuck. What good does that do? How am I helping myself if that's my attitude? Am I my own worst enemy? Everyone is. But do I scheme diabolically against myself? Or is that just on the surface, and I'm really joining forces with me behind my back to self-destruct? I'd launch an internal investigation, but all of me is on my payroll. None of me can be trusted. Bubbling under my pale, pathetic skin is a pool of pure scalding evil. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm crazy. Crazy can produce greatness.

See?

I'm going all the way

2008-08-25T18:35:00.001-05:00

Your millions of dollars would be appreciated.

codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0"
WIDTH="384" HEIGHT="304">

C'mon, baby, finish what you started

2008-08-25T16:33:00.004-05:00

Say you wanted to order a pizza, but you've never had a pizza before. And you don't know if it would be better to eat pizza on your lunch break or eat it close to your home either on your way to or from work. Luckily, your job gets pizza discounts and you can go to a site on their Intranet and do a search. So you look up several pizzerias and jot down the numbers, hoping to call and price their pies and maybe get a feel for the quality. Then you happen to come home early and decide to make the calls. But you can't find the slip of paper with all the numbers even though you just pulled it out of your pocket when you stopped off at the grocery store. But you put it back in your pocket. You can't remember if you took it out when you got home, but you can't find it anywhere, even after digging through the trash. You put your brain to work on remembering some of the names of the restaurants, and you come up with a couple. You go to the trusty Internet and Google the names. But some of the phone numbers don't work. And some of them have recordings that want you to call other numbers. At some point, you start to feel like you never wanted to try this fucking pizza horseshit anyway, and you punch a hole in your wall.

This, of course, is a silly hypothetical because no one ever gives up on pizza.

See, Mr. Lawler, you don't have any brains

2008-08-24T22:09:00.004-05:00

"Metallica lyrics?" you ask. "I don't come to this site for Metallica references."

And to that I say, "Please don't tell them about that last post because they're not very nice and they like to bully nobodies like me with their lawyers and James Hetfield crunches and gargles with human bones to keep his voice rough and gruff and I need my bones to keep my organs from collapsing on themselves and making me look all melty and the unrelated video below is pure genius and after all these years still makes me laugh in that way that I do where it's all muted and you don't think I think something's funny but I'm just not a good laugher and I don't laugh much unless really really stoned but I've given that up because I think it gives me heart palpitations and in fact don't tell Metallica anything I've said here."

The healing hand held back by the deepened nail

2008-08-24T17:38:00.006-05:00

He woke up confused in a hotel room, forgetting briefly where he was and why. It all came flooding back too soon. He wished he hadn't woken up. The night before, he was awash in greatness and bliss and beauty when out of nowhere he had a disturbing vision of himself. Stomach being pumped too late in a sickly green emergency room with flickering fluorescent lights. Dying by his own hand. When he saw this, he thought nothing of it. But lying in the hotel room alone 12 hours later, he felt fear. Fear of what he saw. Fear of his lack of fear the night before. He glanced at the night stand beside him and reached to open the drawer. The Gideons were on top of things. Was this going to be one of those moments? A moment of weakness and desperation? Of kneeling and weeping? Of white lights and Christ's blood and euphoria? He opened the book randomly. He looked to the ceiling and said something along the lines of "This is your last chance, man. What do you got?" He let his finger fall on the page.

1 Chronicles 27:30

Obil the Ishmaelite was over the camels, Jehdeiah the Meronothite was over the donkeys.

Without looking up, he extended his middle finger and offered it to the ceiling. "Thanks. The italics really drive home the message." He tossed the book back in the drawer and began his day.

G-rated

2008-08-21T22:53:00.004-05:00

The Christmas stocking convulsed on the floor as if alive. The little girl's eyes grew as wide as saucers. Soon, a fuzzy head with pointy ears poked out of the open end of the stocking. The green cat-like eyes gazed up cautiously at the little girl. Wait. It was a cat. A kitten to be precise. The little girl squealed with delight and gently scooped up the kitten like she was taught at her friend Abbey's house with Abbey's puppy. The bewildered kitten didn't move until the little girl put him down on a patch of floor not covered with presents and rumpled wrapping paper. Then he jumped around enthusiastically like the floor was electrified, and the whole family laughed merrily as they welcomed this new fuzzball into the family.

There. Is that the kind of shit you people would rather read?

The final post on sex

2008-08-20T20:55:00.005-05:00

I'm ending this week's series on sex prematurely. I think I was too nervous or maybe a little too excited to be writing about it, and I shot my word-wad way early.

I've tried to write about sex many times before, and don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. But sometimes I have to write four or five blogs a night on one subject before I get used to it and can write about it long enough to satisfy the howling demands of my readers. And frankly, I just don't have that kind of stamina anymore. Maybe when I was 21.

Basically, if I stay healthy and hydrated, I can rub out maybe one, two blogs a night. But if I'm not feeling my best, some people may find the stuff I churn out a little stale and hard to swallow. And that just leaves people with a bad taste in their mouths. The last thing you want is for someone to make you swallow your own words.

So if I'm not on top of my game, I may never hit my rhythm, and the next thing I know, my audience is getting their blogs somewhere else. Then I have to find other ways to compensate. Sometimes, I can please my readers orally, but I'm really not much of a talker. And when they try to ease my awkwardness by reciprocating, it just makes me feel inadequate because I know I've got nothing left for them.

I think the answer is to take a little time for myself. Spend some time reading other blogs on the Internet, imagining myself as those writers and trying to write like they do. I'll have to use a little self control to keep from writing to quickly. I need to work on long, sustained blogging. The kind that, when put into actual practice, will have my readers coming back for more.

And while I'm on the Internet, I might as well jerkoff to some porn.

There's one thing I don't understand about sex

2008-08-19T20:35:00.003-05:00

When is the right age to start having it? Because if it's 35, I just don't think I can wait that long.

There's another thing I don't understand about sex

How do you know which chick is the one for you? Because they all make my mouth water and my nether regions sticky.

There's just one more thing I don't understand about sex

Is it OK to do it in public, like dogs and monkeys? I hope women are open to doing it monkey-style.